


Please, trust in me

by Follow (Scheska)



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Language, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-13 22:38:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2167788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scheska/pseuds/Follow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After overhearing a drunken confession at a celebratory party, Hoya finds himself struggling with his own mind and body trying to get over the emotional turmoil it ignited in him. His determination, though, would take him to extents he never thought he could reach.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hoya's decision

**Author's Note:**

> \- Originaly written for/posted at Infinite Secret Santa 2013 on LJ.
> 
> \- English is not my first language

** [Part 1 (Hoya)] **

  
“Again” his voice grunted.  
  
We knew better than to protest, so we sighed softly and rearranged ourselves to start all over again. Our heavy breathing filled the room as he hit play again and positioned himself in his starting place. The beat began to sound, and our limbs moved on their own accord along with the music, even under the burning exhaustion that the hours spent practicing had left in us.  
  
We were almost done, almost finished, the last seconds of the song sounding between the mirrored walls and my back was loosening in relief, when I saw him stop abruptly and stomp to the laptop to stop it altogether.  
  
“I don’t give a fuck how many times we have to do it until you stop screwing up, get it?” he spat to the screen of the computer, as we all looked at each other, not knowing who had been the culprit this time “I said, _get it_?!” he yelled.  
  
“Yes” some mumbled.  
  
“What was it this time?” I tried to approach him with a calm tone.  
  
“We were out of synch” he replied curtly.  
  
“What? No we weren’t-“  
  
“Yes, we were. Now get back there”  
  
“Hyung, please-“ Sungjong started.  
  
“What?” he turned around abruptly to glare at the youngest, who had opted for not continuing with what he was about to say “What, Sungjong?”  
  
The maknae looked at me and I shook my head minimally.  
  
“Nothing, hyung…” he brushed off in a soft voice.  
  
“Come on, hyung, let’s start again” I tugged at his arm softly. He simply looked at me for a second, before nodding and hitting play again.  
  
We had to do it three more times before he deemed our performance decent enough to call it a day, and by the time we collapsed on the floor, one of our managers was already at the door waiting for us to finish.  
  
“Ok guys, get ready to go” our manager said with a soft clap of hands before leaving the room.  
  
There were only pants and grunts for a little while, until Woohyun stood up slowly.  
  
“God, stupid choreography” he groaned “You’re lucky you didn’t screw up or I wouldn’t let you live it down for a whole week” he pushed Sunggyu’s shoulder playfully.  
  
“Yeah” Sunggyu snorted in reply “None of you would, I know” he turned to us and observed the pathetic state we were in “Ok, guys, you did great for the shitty day we had” he walked through us, bending to pat our shoulders until he reached the door “How about we order something good for dinner for a change?”  
  
That had us all sprinting to our feet and to our belongings.  
  
“Yes! I knew there was a reason why I love you so much hyung” Sungyeol shook Sunggyu’s shoulders, to what he laughed tiredly.  
  
“Sure, Yeol”  
  
I stayed back while the rest of the group left for the van. When we were alone I approached my hyung and patted his back softly.  
  
“How are you feeling, hyung?” I asked  
  
“Mh?” he looked up at me “I’m fine, Howon, why do you ask?”  
  
“Because you’re sick”  
  
“What?” he snorted “No I’m not-“  
  
“Yes you are, hyung, don’t try to fool me”  
  
He looked at me, and I saw his face ready to fake a smile, so I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms waiting for his attempt. He seemed to notice my skepticism and let his shoulders fall with a sigh “Ok, yeah, I’ve been feeling a little under the weather, but that doesn’t mean I’m sick, don’t worry”  
  
“You _will_ get sick if you keep pushing it”  
  
“I’m not-“  
  
“Hyung”  
  
“Aish, since when are you the second Woohyun? Is he training you or something?”  
  
I couldn’t help to laugh a little at that, my serious demeanor crumbling “No, I’m self-taught”  
  
He laughed back, shaking his head lightly “Well, you don’t need to worry” he looked at me “, but thanks anyway” he smiled that big, toothy smile of his, and the little pebble in my chest grew to be a stone that weighed down on my lungs and plummeted right to my stomach.  
  
“What for?” I heard the slight quiver in my voice.  
  
He didn’t say anything else, just pulled at his smile a little and patted my head affectionately. I couldn’t help but start overthinking, trying to look beyond his friendly smile, to dig into his stare and reach his thoughts, to see and confirm what I had heard _back then_ , what I suspected. But my own fear pushed all that thoughts aside, and I had to avert my eyes to the side a little, only to clear my head, before looking at him again.  
  
He was still smiling, only a little less sincere, a bit doubtful if I had to add. I quickly tried to amend that, managing to smile back at him while picking up my bag and starting to walk beside him to the van.

  
Once on our way back to the dorm, I let my brain overwork itself again.  
  
 _Grow a pair, Howon, do something about it!_  
  
But what could I do about it? Ask him if it was true? I was pretty sure it was. Try to have a serious talk with him about it? And say what exactly? Reject him? Even before he had said anything to me? Even when he didn’t know that I knew? Even when he wasn’t even acting on it? Why would I reject him?  
  
 _To avoid him getting hurt in the future?_  
  
And wouldn’t this hurt him too? To be downright rejected before even having the chance to… To what? Did I think he’d seriously come to me and ask me out or something? He didn’t even look at me more than necessary, didn’t try to get extra time alone with me, didn’t try to get advantage of the fanservice…  
  
Nothing.  
  
Sometimes I doubted what I had heard that day. Maybe it had been a dream, but I knew it wasn’t. Well, I was pretty drunk, wasn’t I? … Truth is, I wasn’t. Were they fooling around then? But why would they joke about something like that. And I remembered really well, more than I’d like to, the tone of defeat, of depression, resignation and simply anguish that clogged Sunggyu’s voice, making it waver and break under the frustration and guilt. He wasn’t joking, and I wasn’t drunk. He had said it, clearly, twice, and Woohyun had asked a few more times for good measure. I had heard it blunt and clear, that he had feelings he _shouldn’t_ have towards me.  
  
How I wished I hadn’t heard that damned conversation, it had turned everything upside down, it had created a turmoil of mixed feelings inside of me. First was incredulity, then rejection, disgust, betrayal, anger… And then remorse, pity, guilt, worry… _curiosity_. I wasn’t proud of my first weeks after overhearing Sunggyu and Woohyun’s conversation; when the shock and blind anger had taken the best of me. I had avoided our leader like the pest, making it painfully obvious that I didn’t want to talk to him, that I didn’t want to be near him, that I didn’t even want to look at him. I was too overwhelmed by denial and the sense of deception to see what I was doing. It had taken the rest of the group to question me, it had taken Woohyun and I to almost get to blows for me to realize what I was doing. And it all downed on me the moment I paid attention to Sunggyu again, when I saw his face when he looked at me, when I saw his frustration, his confusion and his own sense of betrayal all pressed in his sharp eyes. That’s when I understood that he hadn’t done anything to deserve my shitty treatment. He didn’t even understand why I was acting the way I was, no one did. It was all in my head, locked in a stubborn denial and determined to reject him, to reject his feelings towards me, to reject the simple _idea_ of him making those feelings real.  
  
I had apologized to him that night, making up some excuse about having heard rumors of him talking shit behind my back to the higher ups. Of course it didn’t please him in the least, he reacted badly, angry, offended and surprised that I would believe some shady rumors instead of trusting him, that I would treat him like crap instead of talking to him. He even asked me if I didn’t trust him enough, if he wasn’t reliable enough. In the end, and although it was by a different approach, I realized that he wasn’t worthy of my disdain, that he hadn’t done anything at all to even hint the slightest inclination towards anything beyond friendship towards me, that I should at least treat him the same way.  
  
That’s why I decided then that I would forget about it, I’d bury that talk in the back of my head and continue with our relationship as it was. I wouldn’t make it harder for him, and I wouldn’t make it harder for me either. I didn’t want to lose him after all.  
  
“Hey!” someone shook my shoulder.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Come on! We’re here already” Dongwoo said, half of his body inside the van and the other half outside.  
I looked past him and saw that the rest were already entering the building.  
  
“Oh… I must have fallen asleep” I lied.  
  
“You sure did” he chuckled as we got out of the van and started making our way to the elevator “Today surely was a crappy day”  
  
“Don’t remind me” I grunted “Thank goodness it’s over already”  
  
“Yeah, and hyung bought us something tasty!” he bounced, then stopped and leaned against the mirrored walls of the elevator “He always does stuff like this…”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I mean, he’s a nagger, a dictator and a tight ass elder when he has to, but then he goes and pampers us like this” he giggled “It’s like he’s saying, ‘ _this is for bearing with me being a pain in the ass today, good job!_ ’”  
  
I laughed at his contagious laugh more than his comment, and we were still chuckling a little when we entered the dorm. The rest of the group was already seated and eating, speaking with their mouths full and making a ruckus of muffled words, clattering of glasses and silly fights over meat. Sunggyu was at the corner of the table, looking at the guys with a twisted smile that denoted both affection and annoyance.

  
Dinner went by in a blink, we were starved and had burnt more energy that what we had consumed during the day, so it was just past midnight when we found ourselves slumped in front of the TV, too lazy to get up to go to our beds.  
  
“Come on guys, you need to go to sleep” came Sunggyu’s voice, low and croaky because of sleep.  
  
“I don’t see you moving” Woohyun commented in a similar tone.  
  
“I am…” the older attempted to rise from the floor, but a very opportunist Myungsoo chose that moment to crawl over the leader’s back and nuzzle his head between his shoulder blades “Oh… Well, I can’t now” was all he said, letting himself fall back to the floor.  
  
“Don’t move hyung” the visual mumbled against the leader’s shirt.  
  
“m´not” was the answer.  
  
Dongwoo seemed to have a sudden current of energy run through his body at that moment, because he jumped from his seat and wobbled to the corridor, picking Sungjong on his way and saying something about sore necks and bitchy maknaes.  
  
Sungyeol groaned from my side one, two and three times before rolling to his side and crawling to the table to support himself and get up. He turned around and kicked Woohyun on the leg a few times before disappearing into his room.  
  
“Yeah…” Woohyun managed to grumble a good minute after that “I’m getting up… Now”  
  
Fifteen minutes later, he finally padded his way into the closet he called room. When I heard the soft click of the lock, I turned my head to the two remaining men in the living room. They were still in the same position, and I could bet they were both asleep. I watched them for a little while, and surprised myself when I felt a sense of loneliness trying to push me forward. I didn’t move though.  
  
A soft growl accompanied the shift of Sunggyu’s back, right before he turned his head to my side. He was using his crossed arms as a pillow, and the position made the perfect warm and little crook in his upper back for Myungsoo to nuzzle his face into. I could see the visual softly rising and falling along hyung’s breathing and I knew he could surely hear his heartbeat too.  
  
 _That must be nice…_  
  
And there it was. The same feeling that invaded me every time I paid too much attention to him, the same persistent nudging that made me overly self-conscious and unsure of my every move. It was a mixture of curiosity, jealousy, longing and a little bit of guilt. I had said to myself that I’d bury the talk, that I’d forget about it and act normally towards him, that nothing would change between us, but I couldn’t keep my word. It had worked for some time, but then I started finding myself wondering… What if he had confessed his feelings? What if I had confessed that I knew about his feelings towards me? What if I played it discrete and tried to approach him? What if I tried to pry the confession out of him? What could happen? What would he do? What would I do? And then the musing started to go a little deeper… What would happen if he acted on his feelings? What would he try to do? What would he want to do? What would I be able to do? Why does he even like me? What does he like about me? Why do I feel so _flattered_ about it? Why isn’t he showing that he likes me? Is he insecure? Is he afraid? Does he want to _stop_ liking me?... But I don’t want that…  
  
That’s when I realized something was moving in weird directions inside of me. Why would I be bothered if he stopped liking me? I didn’t want to change anything between us, so it would only be better for him to get over me… Get over what exactly? There was nothing, only his one sided feelings… And there’s where the guilt came into the picture. I felt bad for not being able to make him feel better, even if he didn’t show any signs of being troubled about it, the memories of his voice were so clear in my head that I needed no more proof to know that the situation was getting to him. I felt like he was suffering because of me, but what was I supposed to do about it?  
  
At first I had convinced myself that the best was to put some distance between us, to make it easier for him to get over me. But it didn’t quite work that way, even if I wasn’t being aggressive like before, he noticed… Was it because he was paying close attention to me? But no, he noticed because that was his job, to pay attention to us, _all_ of us. So my first approach on the matter failed, as he only seemed confused and a little hurt because of my distant treatment. I didn’t want him hurting even more, so I immediately desisted of that plan of action.  
  
The next try was to get close to him, to be nice to him, but I was caught between my own doubts and his suspicions. I didn’t know how much I could approach him without making him uncomfortable, I didn’t know how much of what I was doing was ok or what looked like something it _shouldn’t_ look like. Then he would smile at me and ask me what was wrong, what did I want from him, because I was surely trying to get something in return. I answered with some stupid joke, sometimes just shrugged the question away. All I really wanted was for him to show me that big, toothy smile of his, to see his eyes curve in comfort, to feel my guilt dissipate and take a step closer to him, to get my message through.  
  
‘ _Don’t feel bad about it hyung… I care about you hyung… I’m right here with you hyung… I want you right here with me hyung… It’s ok hyung._ ’  
  
My own obliviousness was proven real the moment Woohyun casually cornered me in the bathroom during the filming of a commercial.  
  
“I see you and Sunggyu are getting really into your pair, huh?” he commented while washing his hands.  
  
“What do you mean?” I asked while doing the same.  
  
“You know, the hogyu? There seems to be a sudden increase in your fanservice”  
  
“Oh, that” I laughed a little uncomfortably “Well, you know, we have to please the fans-”  
  
“You seem to be under the impression that fans are everywhere” he said.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I mean” he turned to me, his face serious but nonchalant “you are safe at the dorm, or when we are behind closed doors, at the studio or here filming, if the cameras are not on, you don’t need to cling to him so much”  
  
“Yeah… “ I stretched the word into a long and dubious sound.  
  
I didn’t know if I should laugh at him or what to do exactly. I was under the impression that this was some kind of jealousy outburst, and I didn’t quite like that. There was nothing wrong with me trying to get closer with hyung, he didn’t own him to be making this kind of statements and I had all the right in the world to cling as much as I wanted to my hyung as any other member… But, this could also be coming from the fact that Woohyun knew that I wasn’t like any other member, but so what? It was not my problem if he didn’t like the idea, and I was about to tell him to mind his own business when he continued.  
  
“He wouldn’t tell, but I know him, ok? I know how to read him” he looked at me, a significant glint in his eyes as he talked, the slight pinch of accusation and maybe a little bit of bragging “I can tell when he’s uncomfortable”  
  
My retort died in my tongue when I heard the last part, because, under his confident tone was a current of concern, an emotion that suddenly showed as clear as the water in his eyes.  
  
“He is?” I said softly, not sure if we were both talking about the same thing, but suspecting we were.

  
He nodded slowly, then turned to the mirror to fix his clothes.  
  
“Of course he wouldn’t tell you, he doesn’t want you to think he’s rejecting you or anything, and you know he likes it when we show him some affection for a change… But it sometimes gets hard for him to deal with so much” he then leaned on the counter, mumbling softly “Especially if he knows it’s not really honest”  
  
I didn’t know if it was intended for me to hear that last part, but I had.  
  
“Wha-?”  
  
“Just saying” he shrugged.  
  
That could mean two things: that I was actually making it harder for our leader by constantly pushing myself onto him, giving him all this halfhearted care when I knew it wasn’t what he wanted, or that Woohyun was just a jealous bastard.  
  
“And what am I supposed to do?” I said without thinking, forgetting for a moment that we might as well not be speaking about the same thing, but he didn’t seem fazed.  
  
“Just tone it down a little” he shrugged. He was leaving, a hand on the door, when he turned to me again, a playful smile on his mouth but a dead serious shadow in his eyes “You know I can be a jealous bastard when I have to, don’t make me hurt you” he threw a last goofy smile at me and left, leaving me to manage my urge to smack his face and thank him at the same time.  
  
After a while simply watching the door, my brain defrosted and I let a late retort bounce on the walls and fall to the floor.  
  
“But I’m being honest… ”  
  
And that’s how I reached my last option, one I thought I would never attempt, one that wasn’t actually a chosen option, but the thick mixture of emotions clashing inside of me made it for moments unthinkable, and for moments the most clear and perfect solution.  
  
I didn’t want to cut ties with him, I didn’t want to distance myself from him, I didn’t want to hurt him with half assed feelings and selfish intentions… But I couldn’t reciprocate his feelings either.  
  
I had tried to let my mind wander with the incessant questions again, this time a little further… Why couldn’t I put a stop to this? Why couldn’t I accept that he might want to get over his feelings for me? No, I _could_ accept it, I just didn’t _want_ him to… But why? He’d end up hurt, I knew that, because I couldn’t want him the same way he wanted me… Right?  
  
That’s when it started, an internal battle between all the mingled feelings and thoughts that Sunggyu created in me. I cared for him, I honestly did, I held a deep respect for him, I admired him sometimes, I found him stupid some others, I thought he was immature for some things, and incredibly centered for others. I wanted to be near him, to feel him near me, to be able to lean into him, to depend on him and having him depending on me, for him to trust me as much as I trusted him. I felt comfortable around him, I did before my little discovering and I did now, after knowing about it. In other times, I’d say that I loved him without much worry, because it was true, I did. But now, the word held another meaning, a new side to look into, a new face to explore, and I wasn’t able to get past that obstacle.  
  
As the days went by, my frustration grew, my own incapability to understand myself only generated more confusion and more mixed signals inside and out. I didn’t know what I wanted, how I wanted it or why. I surprised myself to what point I was immersing my mind into this, and how much Sunggyu’s feelings weighed on my actions.  
  
More than once I seriously wondered how it would be to have him confessing and accepting him, would that make him happy? Would that surprise him? Would that mean the world to him? Would that make _me_ happy? I imagined his smile, his sharp eyes melting into warm affection and gratefulness, into deep and soft curves of hope and… and honest love for me? It would mean him being honest with me, smiling sincerely, not backtracking, not hiding his feelings, not denying himself for the sake of the rest of us, not bearing with it alone and definitely not crying drunkenly in a dirty corner in a shady bar, gripping his hair and apologizing just for feeling what he felt.  
  
No, no more of that.  
  
I wanted to be able to give him the chance to accept himself, but for that I had to first accept him whole, not only Sunggyu my hyung, my friend, my brother… I had to accept Sunggyu the man that loved me beyond friendship, the man that struggled with what he wanted to do and what he had to do, and simply Sunggyu, the _man_.  
  
My eyes were trained on his sleeping face, looking so peaceful and lacking of worries. I slid close to him, almost forgetting Myungsoo still on his back, and leaned down on the floor, leveling my face with his. I watched him closely, trying to pay attention to every detail in his soft features, from his round cheeks, his straight but wide nose, his short and dark eyelashes, his rosy lips, barely parted, his soft hair falling on his forehead, even his sideburns, unshaven and evident. I knew and agreed that he was handsome, even cute sometimes. I also accepted that I enjoyed hugging him, being near him, talking to him, listening to him, watching him work, watching him laugh, watching him sleep. I admitted I even toyed with the idea of kissing him once. But that’s as far as I could go.  
  
Some would call it bromance, but it went a little beyond that, it was fueled by curiosity and an affection that stretched the boundaries to their breaking point... But not past it. And at this point, there was no denying it anymore, I wasn’t trying to help him get over me, I didn’t _want_ him to get over me, I wanted him to love me and I wanted to love him back. But I still couldn’t break the last barrier, I could only watch as he waited and waited, and progressively pushed his feelings further and further back, thickening the shell around them, faking for the world and especially for me, showing that beautiful smile of his to soothe my anxiety. If he only knew how much it distressed me to know it was all a façade, if he only knew that I _knew_ , if he only knew how much I wanted him to come to me and how much I struggled to be able to accept him…  
  
I raised my hand slowly and traced my fingers over his soft cheek, his nose twitching minimally in a cute gesture. I heaved a long sigh as I sat up, stroking his hair with care.  
  
“I’m sorry hyung” I whispered, wishing he’d hear me in his sleep “I swear I’m trying, please don’t give up on me yet”  
  
I took a moment to gather my thoughts and recompose myself before shaking Myungsoo’s shoulder and helping him up. Then both of us woke our hyung and went to our rooms.  
  
I was about to close the door when I caught the deep and groggy voice of the visual just before he disappeared into his room. I thought I had imagined it, because it made no sense, but I was almost sure I heard him mumble something like…  
  
“Don’t worry, he’s a persistent hyung”

 

 


	2. Sunggyu's burden

**[Part 2 (Sunggyu)]**

  
  
A long, heavy and gloomy sigh slid between my teeth, breaking the eerie silence that locked the room in a still atmosphere. I gathered strength in my back and pushed myself up from the mattress, hanging my head low for a while until I felt determined enough to properly get up. I shuffled my feet to the door and through the corridor until I hit the bright air of the living room with my face. It was an automatic switch inside of me that clicked right then, when I perceived the presence of someone in there, my face lifted its corners and swept away the shadows of my overthinking, the anguished resignation replaced by groggy confusion in the blink of an eye.  
  
“Hey guys” I croaked to the four men gathered around the couch.  
  
“Oh, good morning hyung~” Dongwoo smiled brightly in my direction.  
  
“What are you gossiping about so early in the morning?”  
  
“We’re not gossiping” he laughed and then shrugged “Just chatting a little”  
  
“Yeah, ok” I brushed the matter off to walk to the kitchen, where my empty stomach was begging me to go, and was followed by a pair of springy steps that bumped into a chair on the way “What is it Myung?”

  
“Nothing” he chirped pleasantly.  
  
“Just your special self?” he smiled, dimple and all, and nodded as he made his way towards me. I felt him softly collide against my back and hug me from behind “Ok, you’re extra happy this morning, what is it?” I insisted.  
  
“Nothing, just… Things are looking good today, aren’t they?”  
  
I looked at him curiously and blinked a few times at his big, childlike smile.  
  
“Good for what?”  
  
“Just good” he shrugged.  
  
I narrowed my eyes at that “Ok, what did you guys do?”  
  
He broke into a fit of giggles and hugged harder. He was starting to scare me a little bit.  
  
“Nothing hyung, just keep it bright today, ok?”  
  
“Wha-?”  
  
“Just stay positive!” he rubbed my sides before practically bouncing off to the other guys, meeting a sleepy Howon in the way and pumping a fist high “Hoya hyung fighting!” and then he continued his way out.  
  
 _What the heck was that?_  
  
Howon entered the kitchen and gave me a confused look, jerking his head to the living room and raising an eyebrow. I could only shrug in response.  
  
“What did you give him for breakfast?”  
  
“Seems like he woke up in a really good mood” I provided.  
  
The seconds ticked by, slow and quiet, as we both held our mugs filled with the black scalding coffee that gave us a fake sense of awakening every morning we had time to drink it. I was leaning against the counter and Howon was sitting at the little table, his eyes lost somewhere between his hands and the hot porcelain they were holding.  
  
 _So… What kind of day are we going to have?_  
  
He looked up and caught my eyes, he seemed a little startled for a second, and then he gave me a still sleepy smile that reached his tired eyes. I smiled back to him and he quickly returned his glance to the coffee in his hands.  
  
 _Ok then…_  
  
I held back a sigh and went back to my mug. I was accustomed already to this little task of assessing his mood periodically to see what awaited me for the day. Lately he seemed to have mastered the art of balancing his emotions a little, but it still threw me off when he suddenly launched himself at me like Dongwoo on a sugar high or spaced out like a sleep deprived Myungsoo. There would be times when he would be all over me like Woohyun or walk around me awkwardly… Like none of the boys did, honestly. It bothered me, a lot. It made me self-conscious, paranoid, nervous. It made me doubt my capability of controlling myself. Was I letting it show? Was I acting weird to him in any way? Too close? Too distant? Too harsh? Too lenient?  
  
I was doing my very best to keep it low, to not show anything to anyone, to keep this as controlled as I could, and his dancing around me like that made me lose all my security and become a bundle of anxiety. Woohyun kept telling me that he didn’t know, he didn’t notice anything, there wasn’t anything I should be worrying about, I wasn’t letting anything out, to calm the fuck down. But I couldn’t make him understand how hard was it to keep my cool when I knew that I could pretty much destroy the group if I didn’t keep my impulses under control, and when the threat of rejection and hatred loomed over me every hour of each day. I couldn’t let them show, I couldn’t do anything about them, not act on them or against them, just push them down and back and just _out_.  
  
I had always been proud of my self-control, my ability to maintain my head in place and my emotions in check when my position required for me to do so. But this was testing my control in a way nothing else did. It distressed me, it made me lose myself in little bursts of despair that I could luckily foresee and keep under the rug. The only one I allowed to see me in my lowest moments was Woohyun, and he never failed to piece me back together.  
  
“Hyung?”  
  
I looked up and found Howon at my side, his empty mug in the sink, and a questioning look in his face. I had to tear my eyes from his own, the most casual way I could, to not let him see how jittery it made me to have him so close to me.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Your coffee must be cold already”  
  
“Mh… Yeah, probably…” I shook the mug a little before turning and dropping it into the sink.  
  
“I can make you some more if you want”  
  
“Nah, it’s ok, we need to be ready to go in twenty minutes anyway” I told him as I walked out.  
  
I could feel his eyes on my back.  
  
I changed myself and gathered my stuff before going to hurry the rest of the guys. The moment I reached the living room, though, they were almost done and practically waiting for me. I cocked my head in question, this was a once-in-a-year occurrence.  
  
“Seems like someone is applying for Woohyun’s position as second in command” Sungyeol muttered in answer to my curiosity, signaling with his head to Howon, who was standing at the door, his attention on his phone.  
  
I pulled a face of pleasant surprise, to mask my exasperated confusion.  
  
“Glad to hear” I said, nearing the door and the young man leaning against it. I patter his shoulder and nodded a little “I can put you in a one-week trial period, but Hyun won’t be pleased”  
  
He snorted and locked his eyes with mine “He doesn’t stand a chance against me” he smirked, and I had to make an extra effort not to falter “I can take on the challenge anytime” he added in a lower tone.  
  
“Don’t you love challenges, Howon?” I commented in a light tone as I left the dorm, still trying to tame down the loud beating of my heart “Come on guys! Let’s be early for once and surprise the managers”  
  
As I walked to the elevator, I could hear a pair of hurried steps following me closely. I let the doors close once I got in, Howon standing by my side. The silence weighed heavy on us, thick and uncomfortable, until he let a strangled laugh.  
  
“Why is it so weird?” he looked at me from the side.  
  
“It’s not” I lied with a shrug of shoulders.  
  
“You can make a tense moment out of anywhere” he laughed, but then recoiled almost immediately “I mean, not in a bad way, just, you know, being the intense man you are-“  
  
“ _Intense_?”  
  
“I mean, you have a strong personality-“ the doors started opening.  
  
“I guess I do. Let’s go”  
  
“W-wait, hyung”  
  
“What is it?”  
  
“I didn’t mean it as an insult-“  
  
“Didn’t take it as one”  
  
“You sure?”  
  
“Yes, I’m sure Howon. What’s with you being so jittery all of a sudden?”  
  
“Wha- I’m not” he shook his head almost violently.  
  
“Do I make you nervous or something?” I asked him with a smile that I hoped looked playful enough, but I was half dreading a positive answer.  
  
He seemed to think over it, only a fragment of a second, before denying it as something ridiculous. But that tiny doubt was enough for me to feel the failure swelling inside of me. It was showing, I didn’t know how but something had filtered through my controls and had reached him.  
  
I couldn’t stop my head from playing the most gruesome outcomes during the whole ride, imagining faces of shock, anger, rejection, disgust, disappointment. I tried my best to keep the unaffected front, but it was slowly sinking into my head that I was starting to lose my grip on my emotions, and the accompanying fear started gnawing at my nerves; just knowing that if that happened, I could (I _would_ ) lose so much more, created a heavy, sticky weight pressing against my chest. It was going to be a matter of time until I took a wrong step.  
  
I forced myself to keep focus on the real world as we arranged ourselves in the seats around the table. We were guests at a radio show that morning, and then there was a photo shot for a magazine along with a short interview.  
  
“Seat here with me hyung” a hand shot to my wrist and pulled me to the seat before I could realize who it was.  
  
“Stop monopolizing him, Hoya hyung” complained Sungjong from the other side.  
  
 _Of course it has to be Howon_  
  
“Since when does it bother you?” the rapper questioned.  
  
“Since you started monopolizing him?”  
  
“I do not”  
  
“Sure you do”  
  
“Ok, enough guys, behave” I stopped them curtly, not in the mood for arguments so early (especially if they were about me and Howon).  
  
The radio show went on smoothly, all the members had a time to show off a little, none said anything too stupid and we had a good chemistry with the host and staff. The only problem would have been the man beside me. He wouldn’t stop glancing at me, or leaning in more than necessary to whisper some unimportant little comments about pretty much anything he could think of. I was starting to think that he was doing it on purpose… But why?  
  
I couldn’t help to panic a little when we were informed that the photoshot was to be done in two pairs and a group of three. We were still being handled like dolls, fitting us into uncomfortable clothes and covering our tired faces with thick makeup, when they told us to pair up as we liked for the first part. I threw a quick glance to Howon and saw him already walking towards me from the other side of the room, his steps sure and unbothered as if it was a matter of fact he’d be doing this with me. I tried not to sigh or groan and looked around me to see if any of the boys would be willing to jump to my side in joy of sharing the spot with me. Thin chances, I knew, but I couldn’t just say no to Howon without a legit reason.  
  
I caught the maknae’s eyes on me, big and observant.  
  
“Hey Jongie” I smiled “It’s been a while since we paired up, right?”  
  
“Huh? But we did at-“  
  
“Hyung” I heard Howon calling me from behind, and I couldn’t stop the sigh that escaped my mouth.  
  
Sungjong’s eyes shot to the main dancer and then back to me before he jumped forward and latched himself to my arm, a big smile on his face.  
  
“Hyung! Let’s pair up!” he chirped brightly, to what I could only blink confusedly a few times.  
  
“What? No, I wanted to pair with hyung” Howon complained, finally reaching us.  
  
“Well, too bad, I got him first” the maknae shrugged “You’ve been with him all day anyway, he needs a break” he stuck his tongue out to him, but Howon only looked at me with slight surprise.  
  
“Oh…”  
  
“Yah, Howon-ah, don’t look like that” I chuckled as I patted his head, struggling with the urge to hug him and wipe the guilty look off his face.  
  
 _Why are you even looking guilty?_  
  
I mentally huffed in exasperation at his confusing behavior, but only ruffled his hair and smiled.  
  
The first round went down just fine, even with my mind continuously going back to our main dancer. I had avoided doing the shots with him, but I couldn’t help myself from watching him while he did his with Sungyeol. I had to pry my eyes away several times, only to find myself staring again seconds later.  
  
I watched as he tried to strike some cute poses, Sungyeol setting a high competition to reach for a guy as easily flustered as him. And of course I found myself smiling at his attempts, finding them way more adorable than any cutesy thing the choding pulled at his side.  
  
I swallowed a sigh and closed my eyes for a second, wondering how on earth had I ended up in this situation. When I opened them again, Sungjong was staring at me. I raised an eyebrow to him in question, but he only smiled and pated my shoulder.  
  
“I often think…” he started in a soft voice, oddly placed for the situation “That you must have it hard”  
  
I blinked with a confused frown, not really understanding where this was coming from.  
  
 _Maybe Howon told him about me feeling unwell lately?_  
  
“It’s ok Jong, it’s not really that bad”  
  
“Do you even believe yourself when you say that?” he retorted, taking me a little by surprise by the seriousness in his demeanor.  
  
“What is this about? I’m fine” I tried to reassure him, though not sure about _what_ exactly.  
  
“Don’t take so much upon yourself hyung, don’t you trust your dongsaengs?” he pouted “Share your problems with us”  
  
“Jong” I let out a little chuckle “Of course I trust you guys, but there’re some things I can’t bother you with, you know, stuff I’d rather keep for myself. We all have those, don’t we?”  
  
“Well, yeah” he doubted a little, pursuing his mouth before insisting “But don’t we always pester you with our problems still?”  
  
“You don’t tell me everything either, we all keep some concerns for ourselves for whatever reason, some more legit than others…” I felt my voice fade a little.  
  
“Ok, you don’t have to tell us what it is about if you don’t want to” he conceded “But you need to come to us when you need, I don’t know, a hug?” I chuckled and he slapped my arm playfully “What? You’re human too, you must need one once in a while”  
  
“Yeah, ok, I’ll go to you when I need a hug, ok?”  
  
“Huyng!” he laughed “I’m just saying you should get what you need, even if it’s just rant about anything or whine about something or just sleep on someone’s lap, whatever it is… Just lean on us a little more!” he patted my shoulder again, this time with cheery enthusiasm, and left to join Dongwoo at the snacks table.  
  
I shook my head as I watched him go. What was with them? Weird dongsaengs I got.  
  
On our way back to the dance studio, I let my head rest on the cold glass of the window, heavily dotted with drops of water, glistening with the lights of the city around us. I tried to nap a little, to get rid of the headache I was having, but could not sleep at all.  
  
The traffic was slower than usual because of the heavy rain, and therefore the trip was taking long. Long enough for me to get lost in my musings and not realize of the stare of a certain dancer until I looked up the rearview mirror. I got a little startled when I found the reflection of his dark eyes boring into my face, but quickly pulled a tiny smile for him. The funny thing is that he looked hurt by my gesture and turned his eyes to the outside with a troubled look.  
  
 _Is he still sulking because I picked Jong over him?_  
  
I let my lips form a tiny pout as I watched his profile for a little more before returning to my own watching through the window. In the end we hadn’t been paired up at all, as the photographer had chosen to go with the classics for the second part, recurring to the ol’ good woogyu, yadong and myungyeoljong. A little, tiny part in me would have liked, maybe, to do at least a shot with him. The tiny part that I had been trying to choke for the last, let’s say, almost two years.  
  
Looking back in time, I envied my old self, the one that could be around any of the boys without feeling like a piece of trash, the one that could be mean and unfair, then permissive and lenient with whoever he felt like, the one that didn’t have to ponder about the pros and cons of giving a hug, patting a shoulder or even cross glances with someone in fear of something to slip out, in fear of the consequences. I envied the old me that could spend hours talking with him about anything, the old me that could cuddle with him under the playground station and eat like beggars without a care in the world, the old me that could share so many things with the guy that now made me want to rip my hair in despair and fear.  
  
How had I let this happen? I had no clue. I just found myself looking at his reflection while practicing our choreographies, paying too much attention to his focused face, the work of his muscles in his arms and back, the glistening of his sweaty neck, the rise and fall of his toned chest under the heavy breathing, his piercing, determinate stare…  
  
It wasn’t that much of a shock that I’d find a guy attractive in ways out of ordinary. My first encounter with Seoul back in the days had me hitting the ground pretty fast, dealing with more troubles that I was able to handle, struggling with things I had never had to face before, running on a routine so tight and accelerated, so uncertain and merciless, so discouraging and frustrating that I started to lose myself in the chaos of the city. I had no time for anything besides work. I took as many jobs as my day allowed me to, trying to make enough money to support the hole of apartment I lived in, the sad food that filled my stomach and the other things that I needed to, for example, not freeze to death, not die from a flu, be decently clean or not having the apartment flooding with cockroaches.  
  
All in all, living alone in the big city was really expensive, especially for a clueless boy trying to fend for himself, without aid from his family and with the scorching dream to dig his way into the unforgiving music industry. So when I was given the chance to go out, to enjoy even a few hours of intoxicated happiness and slurred euphoria, I took it. There had been a few times only, when my coworkers at the restaurant would invite me in, when I’d let all my frustrations drown in glass after glass after glass of drinks no longer recognizable by my tongue or eyes, when the nights would slip away in little black holes of memory and fake feelings of relief and accomplishment, when my loneliness and my depression would make me throw myself into the comfort of whoever offered it. Once ‘ _it was a mistake_ ’, twice ‘ _I was really drunk_ ’, thrice ‘ _he was really persistent_ ’… I couldn’t even remember how many times I had crossed the line, and the mess my life had become then had subdued the impact and the struggle with acceptance. But I had decided to tame it the moment I set a foot on the music industry, and it hadn’t been a major issue. Not until now.  
  
I had my escapades with both genders through my time in the stressing world of flashing lights and plastic smiles; it wasn’t abnormal. Quick affairs were more usual than what I had thought, but quicker adventures with other guys were a reality hidden under the heaviest of rugs. It surprised me the amount of ‘interested’ guys that’d let a hint slip here or there or send an ambiguous text message in the middle of the night, but it all stayed among them… Among us. Nothing ever surpassed the ‘stress-relief’ label. They were friends, acquaintances with some furtive privileges that held validity for a restricted amount of hours, preferably during the night and out of anyone’s sight.  
  
So, the main problem here wasn’t my sexual orientation (though it _was_ an issue for the rest of the world), this biggest danger here was that this wasn’t an ‘acquaintance with privileges’ we were talking about, this was my bandmate, and a _straight_ bandmate to make it even better. He was one of the closest and truest friends I had made in the last years of my life, one of the men I cared the most about, one of the people I worked with every day, one of the boys who shared my dream, the guy that understood where I came from and where I wanted to go, for he was the same. This wasn’t just physical attraction, a fling of the moment, it was way deeper and way worse.  
  
How didn’t I see this coming earlier? How didn’t I stop it? How couldn’t I notice my breath hitching when he stepped so close, when he held me by the waist, when he leaned in until our noses almost touched, when he smiled big and wide and showing his sharp canines, when he hugged me tight because we had made it one step deeper into our dream. The first times I saw him, I had deemed him as attractive, I had recognized he was kinda hot, but my mind still was sane enough not to dig into these considerations further than that, especially once the news of being ‘coworkers’ were out.  
  
On another perspective, we had become rather close in a short time, finding more things in common that we’d have imagined. As time walked by, we started talking more, sharing more, we trusted more. I think I wouldn’t be mistaken to say he was my first true friend in the group, in the company. After Infinite was created and we moved through our first trajectory as a team, the seven of us started to bond deeper with each other, and I eventually found a big source of trust and help in Woohyun. We’d had a turbulent beginning, but our shared goals smoothed our path into a fierce partnership that led to a warm friendship and a slight dependence. People started saying that we were best buddies, the best of friends, chopsticks and spoon and all that shit Woohyun had said, and maybe we were, I felt I had a good friend in him, maybe the closest I had so far. But that never extinguished the bond I had with Howon. We still understood each other in ways no other could, we still leaned into the other for advice and comfort, we both had our best buddies out there, but we still looked out for each other to fall back into our little secret play of sharing things we didn’t say to anyone else, it was like playing at having a friendship affair behind our best friends backs.  
  
So, at some point between rediscovering my attraction towards him and not being able to avoid it mingling with my affection for him, it happened that I found myself loving him more than I should.


	3. Hoya's first step & Sunggyu's stumble

**[Part 3 (Hoya)]**  
  
  
 _I told him, didn’t I?_  
  
I was balancing between feeling concerned, angry and pleased with myself as I rummaged through the many bottles and little boxes we had in the cabinet of the bathroom, trying to find the analgesics.  
  
“Here” Sungyeol peaked from the door, handing me a little white box “they were in the kitchen, dunno why”  
  
“Oh, ok” I reached to take them, but stopped myself “Uh, well, you can give them to him, I don’t think he’s asleep yet”  
  
He looked at me with his big eyes, moving back to the corridor and taking a step towards the door of the big room, then stopping again.  
  
“Wait,” he shook his head “I thought you wanted to take care of him?”  
  
“What?” I forced a soft bark of incredulous laugh “Why would I want to do that?” he only raised an eyebrow, his eyelids dropping a little to form his ‘you-are-not-fooling-me’ face. I clicked my tongue “Whatever, just go, I’ve been all over him the last days it seems, so…” I shrugged at his confused expression and made to walk away, but his hand stopped me by the elbow.  
  
“Oh, no. I know what you are trying to do here” he smirked crookedly and shook a finger in front of my face “I know what awaits in there, I’m not going to be the human sacrifice, you go in there and deal with the sick leader” he pushed the box into my hand and pulled me to the door.  
  
“No, you go, I don’t-“  
  
“It’s ok, he doesn’t get mad at you anyway”  
  
“Wait-“  
  
“Just go and win him back” he pushed my back and I hit the hard wood of the door.  
  
“What?” I looked back at him, but he only winked at me and left in a fit of wobbly giggles that disappeared into his own room.  
  
I sighed and rolled my shoulders before knocking and slowly entering the maknaes-and-leader’s room. The lids were shut and the lights out, but I closed the door behind me and made my way through the dark to not disturb the surely sleeping guy. When I reached his bed I tentatively patted the thick blankets to make sure he was asleep, and I got no more response than a soft growling sound.  
  
I carefully sat at the edge of the bed, pulling the covers down a little to reveal half of his face against the pillow. His cheeks were a little red, the hair over his forehead sweaty and the rest messy, his eyebrows a little furrowed and his mouth parted to breathe heavier than normal.  
  
 _I told you you’d get sick, didn’t I?_  
  
I couldn’t help the little smile in my face as I shook my head, my hand absentmindedly moving the sweaty bangs from his face. A sudden vibration against my leg startled me. I sighed and pulled out my phone from my pocket, finding a new message from Woohyun asking me (for the 7th time or so) how Sunggyu was doing, as he was out for a personal schedule. I typed a quick response, telling him he was asleep, and went back to combing the leader’s hair out of his face. He didn’t stir even. I took the wet towel that lay on the bedside table and wiped his sweat away.  
  
 _Maybe you’ll start listening to me now… Or not, since you didn’t listen to Woohyun either and he’s been on this job for a while now. But he doesn’t matter, you should start listening to **me** , hyung-_  
  
He shifted lazily until he ended up with his back against the mattress, a notorious shiver shaking him from head to toes. I left the towel back on the table again and reached for the blanket to tighten it over him. I little groan caught my attention and I looked at his face, which was closer than what I thought.  
  
 _You don’t look half bad, huh?_  
  
I mused while finishing wrapping him in the blanket without looking away from him.  
  
 _Sick and all…_  
  
My fingers found their way to his fringe again, while my eyes ran with deliberate lethargy over his features.  
  
 _You’re doing this again, Howon? Really?_  
  
I bit the inside of my cheek to shut the new snarky voice and let my eyes fall on his lips, pink and slightly swollen. I forced the idea into my head, creating countless situations to lure the disgust out, but it never came.  
  
 _See? It’s not that bad, I can do this…_  
  
I felt my hands shake a little as I leaned in and further down, my arms feeling a fatigue clearly exaggerated by my nervousness. I could feel my heart bumping against my ribcage and the loud beating flooding my ears. I wasn’t sure what exactly was it that made me so nervous, if the fact that I could get caught any second, the feeling of apprehension over the fact that he was asleep and sick, some subconscious denial to doing this altogether or just the fear of actually being able to do it, but I pushed it all back and neared his face a little more, my cheeks burning and my back hurting a bit.  
  
 _This is not ok, definitely not ok… He’s… He’s… asleep, I can’t do this while he’s asleep, ok? It wouldn’t be fair… Yeah…_  
  
I stayed looming over him, trying to minimize my breathing so it wouldn’t hit his face, but I couldn’t make up my mind. Part of me was yelling at me to back off, bombarding me with all the reasons why this was simply _wrong_ , but the other kept pushing at the back of my head and urging me to get this over with and prove that _I could do this_.  
  
There was a final ‘ _to hell with it!_ ’, shouted all over my head and finally silencing the rest of the musings, and I leaned down, not allowing my brain to form a coherent thought and blocking any leftover of the previous mental battle. I could feel the warmth that radiated from him when I came close enough, I could see the glistening of the thin layer of sweat over his face, the tiny flinch of his brow, and I could definitely feel the warm air brushing against my own lips as he breathed though his mouth. The moment I registered the first sensations of his lips barely brushing against mine, my whole body froze, and I had to muster all my willpower not to jump away and move a little bit closer instead.  
  
 _Oh, holy fucking cow!!What in fucking hell am I doing?!Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, he’s gonna wake up any moment!!_  
  
It was all my mind could form into words as I felt his lips softly mold against mine, incredibly warm, rough and chapped but soft at the same time. My own lips had made a clumsy attempt at actually kissing, barely capturing his mouth in a shaky hold that remained stiff and weak during the short second it all lasted. Then Sunggyu let out a throaty whimper and moved his head to the side, effectively breaking the wannabe kiss and making me sit back in slight panic. But after a heavy sigh, he just stayed still, deeply asleep and facing to the side.  
  
“Ok… ok” I breathed out, feeling my nerves starting to relax and bringing a hand to my chest to feel my still accelerated heart slowly going back to normal along with my shaky breathing.  
  
After three seconds of expectance and finally understanding that I had disturbed his breathing and that had been the reason of his sudden move, the panic subdued along with the incredulity, and made way for a huge sense of accomplishment that washed all over me. I almost broke into a fit of maniac giggles as I stood up and tried to walk to the door, having to come back to leave the box of analgesics on the table and stumbling a few times on my way. When I finally made it out, I found myself face to face with a recently arrived Dongwoo that seemed to be heading to the room I was coming from. I was in the middle of feeling relieved that I didn’t take longer and he didn’t go in sooner, while feeling my face heat up against my will, when his amused voice interrupted me.  
  
“Hey, what’s with the huge grin?” he smiled at me, a glint of knowing suspicion shining in his eyes as they moved between the door and my face “And, oh my, is the almighty Hogod _blushing_?”  
  
“Uh, n-no, it’s nothing…” I forced my reddened face into seriousness, but he was already overflowing with his loud rapid-fire laugh.  
  
“I say Ho, you say Ya!” he randomly hollered as he patted my shoulder with too much enthusiasm and then walked away with a bounce in his step, his laugh still bubbling cheerily.  
  
 _Seriously, what the heck is with everyone today?_  
  
The question quickly faded away as an annoyed groan followed by the sleepy, deep voice of Sunggyu slipped through the door.  
  
“ _What the…? Lower you happiness Dinowoo_ ”  
  
I couldn’t help but to let the grin break into my face again as I walked to get a glass of water for my grumpy leader.  
  
 _Just wait a bit more hyung, I’m a big step closer._

 

* * *

 

 

 **[Part 4 (Sunggyu)]**  
  
  
“Here hyung, try some of mine” he asked, almost jumping over the table, his spoon practically hitting my face.  
  
“Uh, ok” I accepted and dubiously opened my mouth for him to feed me his ice cream.  
  
“How is it?” he smiled widely.  
  
“Good, it’s good” I nodded, trying not to let him see that I actually didn’t like it one bit.

  
“It’s ok if you don’t like it, I won’t take offence” he chuckled.  
  
I didn’t even try to lie, just offered a smile in return. I was done with trying to fool him, I had accepted that, for some mysterious reason, he was slowly walking up to a Woohyun-like level of creepiness when it came to read me.  
  
“Can’t trick you, eh Howon?”  
  
“Of course you can’t” he stated firmly, his eyes boring into mine as if trying to convey a message.  
  
He was being weird, there was no point in trying to deny that either. He was again behaving like a wavering mixture of Dongwoo’s happiness, Woohyun’s insistence and Myungsoo’s eeriness. He was losing me between all his sudden swings in attitude, one moment he was so pensive that I couldn’t bring myself to interrupt his train of thought, then he suddenly jumped in an enthusiastic blur of clinginess and orbited around me like a piece of metal near a magnet, and then he would be all over me with concerns and taking no bullshit from me, hitting dead on every single assumption he made on my mood… Well, almost.  
  
The truth I could still be proud of was that I was still at least hard to read for him. He could tell what was going on in my head as long as I didn’t make great effort to hide it. It was an improvement for him, even if I couldn’t quite see it in a bright light (and I really didn’t, I had enough with one of the boys acting like that, thank you very much), but I still had my control firm enough.  
  
“Yah, don’t be so full of yourself” I heard Woohyun spat from my other side, making me chuckle a little over his obvious annoyance.  
  
“Do you want to feed me too, Hyun?” I teased.  
  
“Wha-? You have your own” he clicked his tongue and shrugged, but still offered “But if you really want me to…” I laughed fully and actually nodded, only to see his disgruntled frown “No you don’t” he complained, the ghost of a smile tugging at his mouth “You’re too much hyung”  
  
“Hey, you offered! Now do it, come on!”  
  
“No! You’re lying anyway, eat your own” he laughed.  
  
“I want to try yours”  
  
“No, it’s awful, I think it’s gone bad or something” he said as he shoved a huge spoon in his mouth.  
  
“Shameless little-“ I pushed his shoulder softly “At least act on your lie”  
  
“I am, oh god this is so bad” he said sounding more blissful than anything.  
  
“Yah!” I laughed pushing him again “Give me some!”  
  
“Now you actually want it, don’t you?” he chuckled back  
  
“I told you from the beginning” I lied; I kinda wanted it for real now.  
  
“Ok, then ask me properly”  
  
“I did already!”  
  
“No, you didn’t”  
  
“Ah, come on, Hyun!”  
  
“Aish, ok, you’re so annoying, you know?”  
  
“No I’m not, just give me some”  
  
He clicked his tongue but offered a full spoon to me. I liked that flavor better to be honest, and I hummed in acceptance as I leaned back into my chair. I glanced to Howon and saw him looking with a minimal frown to Woohyun and his ice cream before turning to me and wiping the forlorn look from his face.  
  
 _I’m still better than you at this Howon._  
  
“Don’t worry Howonie, it was awful too” I whispered to him with a grimace.

It earned me an offended push from my right, but also a beautiful and accepting smile from my left. I couldn’t stop myself from returning it, my face automatically responding to his and my stupid heart knocking stubbornly against my ribcage. He wouldn't look away, and I could start feeling a bit of warmth crawling up my face.  
  
 _Fuck, I’m so screwed._  
  
A soft little poke pinched my side and I ripped my eyes from Howon’s with some quivering blinks. I glanced towards Woohyun and saw him making a minimal twist of his mouth, a clear sign for me that said ‘ _keep it together, idiot, it’s showing_ ’. I focused on my own ice cream again, now threatening to melt on my hands and making a sticky mess on them, and occupied myself with eating it, not even enjoying it so much anymore.  
  
“Why are you so rushed hyung? We actually have time” I heard the rapper’s voice from my right.  
  
“Uh… Yeah, I guess it’s the habit” I shrugged “I feel like we’re late for some schedule or being crowded by fans”  
  
“Well, we’re not, the place is almost empty and the few customers don’t seem to mind us at all”  
  
“Yeah, I know”  
  
“Are you feeling ok?”  
  
“What? Yes, I’m fine, why?”  
  
“Don’t know, you’re suddenly all gloomy-“  
  
“We can go shopping after this” Woohyun interrupted with no subtlety whatsoever.  
  
“Uh… Why-?” Howon started to question, but had no chance as the other stood up and kicked my chair softly for me to do the same.  
  
“Come on, let’s go before it all gets crowded. We can finish these on the way” he said, the fake enthusiasm covering his annoyance.  
  
“Sure” I accepted nonchalantly, pulling on my hood and knowing he’d nag at me the first moment he could.  
  
“But… Whatever, ok, let’s go” Howon finally gave in, placing his cap on his head.  
  
We made our way through the still rather clear streets, ice-creams gone and hands free, only peeking into the stores and not finding anything good enough for us to spend on, making idly chat as we walked slowly. I was trying my best at going back to my place and ignoring the heavy feeling that had made its way into my stomach. I avoided looking at Howon too much, but still forced myself to pay attention to him so he wouldn’t feel ignored. Woohyun kept us going, blabbering about anything and continuously stepping between us. I thanked his aid, seriously, but hated the fact that I needed him to do this for me. He shouldn’t be bothering himself with this kind of crap, I should be able to keep my act together.  
  
The heavy feeling only got worse as I realized that I might be actually and _really_ starting to lose the grip on my emotions. I was supposed to get over my feelings, not lose to them, and all this mysterious acting from Howon was not making things easier, all the contrary, it made me so much more self-conscious around him, it made me think about him more than necessary, it made me look at him more often that what I should, for longer than normal…  
  
A sudden feel of oppression pushed against my lungs, making me take a big mouthful of air.  
  
I wanted to go back to the dorm and lock myself in my room, I didn’t want to look at him, talk to him, be near him anymore; he was driving me insane, he made me feel so powerless, so unable to control absolutely anything, so lost and scared of everything I did, and so hopelessly defeated. I had been trying to get over this for more than a year already, and it was all still there, big and heavy over my head, looming over me like a huge stone about to crush me against the ground. It was getting deeper and worse every minute I spent close to him, every time I caught him through the mirror, every time I heard his voice singing, every time I saw him dance, every fucking time he smiled at me or even touched me in the most innocent of ways. It was all still there. I couldn’t stop it.  
  
“What is it hyung?” the soft voice, filled with seriousness, was accompanied by a big, warm hand rubbing my back.  
  
I blinked surprised at Howon, who was looking at me with gentle but concerned eyes, his face closer than what I’d like. I shook my head dismissively and looked around for Woohyun, trying not to push Howon's hand away and endure the need to punch him and hug him at the same time.  
  
I saw Woohyun ending a call a few stores ahead of us, then turning and making his way back with a scowl on his face that was strictly directed to me.  
  
 _What did I do now?_  
  
He lifted his phone and waved it with an exasperated face, so I took my own phone from my pocket and saw that I had two missed calls from our manager. I sighed in frustration, knowing my friend would be pissed, and lifted my hand to rub at my eyes, but didn’t manage to do so, because a strong pair of arms wrapped me in an impossibly tight hug that pushed the air out of my chest.  
  
I could see Woohyun’s surprised face, and I could definitely feel Howon’s hard torso pressing against me, his heart beat evident and his breathing in his chest almost invasive against mine. His head rested on my shoulder and his arms pressed a little tighter.  
  
“You can talk to me too, hyung” he mumbled, his hot breath hitting against the skin of my neck and making a wild shiver run down my spine. He lifted his head and looked at me straight and dead on the eyes, his own filled with concern and an urgency that had me lost instantly “Just tell me” he whispered, his hands going up and down on my arms.  
  
I was unable to think coherently for a second or two, my heart beating madly in an attempt to make my brain function again.  
  
In the blink of an eye, Woohyun was pulling me away, jokingly (not so jokingly) pushing Howon away and cracking some lame joke about his right and reserved privilege to manhandle me, but I was barely aware of it, instead trying to breathe through the sudden lump in my throat.  
  
“Right hyung?” Woohyun’s voice pulled me back and I found his face close and smiling, exasperation and concern hidden behind the dorky expression.  
  
“Sure” I smiled back, swallowing everything down forcefully and feeling it plummeting to the bottom of my stomach “But I’d advise you to be wary of this one” I signaled to Howon, who was looking all kinds of serious “He’s seriously trying to get your place”  
  
Woohyun snorted and kept on joking, as I pulled at all my strings to keep myself playing along.  
  
 _I fucking hate you so much Howon._  
  
I wanted to break something, yell at someone, because that was such a big fat lie.  
  
 _And I fucking love you so bad…_  
  
I hated myself so much at the moment.


	4. Hoya's push & Sunggyu's breakdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Drama, drama and more drama and I might have messed up the proportions in the recipe, because it ended up a bit on the thick side.

**[Part 5 (Hoya)]**

  
  
I had tried to plan an encounter, to prepare a way to approach the matter, to slowly and subtly lead him into telling me, into trusting me, into hoping enough to start dropping hints around me so I could, maybe, hint back.  
  
But in the end it was all for nothing, what planning or subtlety if a rerun of a silly ‘Hello baby’ would have it all blowing up in our faces at the speed of light.  
  
“God, I can’t keep watching this” Sunggyu groaned as he reached for the remote.  
  
“Wait! Why? I want to watch” I snatched the object from the table before he could grab it.  
  
“Come on, it’s frustrating just watching it! It makes me nervous to see how they mess up”  
  
“But you know it’s all under control anyway, nothing is gonna happen”  
  
“Still, I don’t like this show” he complained.  
  
“Why? You don’t like kids?” I asked, splitting my attention between the TV and him.  
  
“No… I mean, it’s not like I don’t like them… They kind of make me uncomfortable, I just don’t think I’m good with them” he shrugged.  
  
“Why not? Seeing how you handle us it should be a piece of cake for you to control a few infants”  
  
“Don’t be silly, it’s way harder. You are big enough to use your reason and control your impulses or whims if the situation needs so, little kids don’t understand what they don’t _want_ to understand besides what they can’t, and they can be a serious handful if you don’t know how to approach them or if you do it the wrong way. And to make it worse, part of their reaction towards you depends on your luck, because their first impression might be based on nothing but the way you look or the way they saw you. There’s also the fact that I can be harsh on you when I need to, I can put the limits where they should be with little struggle because you understand them, you hear my reasons and share your doubts, word more or word less, it gets done. Have you tried to make a kid behave the way you wanted if it’s not what _they_ want? Because, let me tell you, it’s harder than just saying ‘do this’ or ‘you need to act this way’ or ‘don’t do that’. There’s always a ‘why?’ or ‘I don’t want to’ and you can’t just get too severe on them or they’ll start wailing and screaming and rolling on the floor and making a hell of a scene just because you didn’t let them bounce on a ball or climb a tree or just didn’t have enough money to buy them a freaking ice cream”  
  
I blinked a few times, not sure of what to answer to that, and he turned to me when I said nothing in response.  
  
“Uh… Do you by any chance have younger siblings?” I finally asked.  
  
“No”  
  
“Then how-?“  
  
“I just had my encounters with the fine art of taking care of little brats” he shrugged.  
  
“But you don’t hate kids” I confirmed dubiously.  
  
“No, I told you, I just think I’m not made for handling them”  
  
I let some time pass by, while watching the clueless idols trying to tame a wild infant (who was attacking them with a rubber hammer) without scolding him. Then I said what was bouncing in my head, my voice muffled by my doubts about how he would take the comment “But I think you’d make a good father”  
  
There was silence, and then a loud scoff “Yeah right”  
  
“I mean it, hyung” I said, looking at him, but he was busy inspecting his knees while his arms crossed tightly over his chest “Why are you so against it?”  
  
“I’m not against it” he muttered.  
  
“You don’t seem very thrilled by the idea of parenting either”  
  
I saw him gulping quickly before answering me “It’s just not something I’m looking forward to right at the moment”  
  
“Well, yeah, that’s understandable, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t have the qualities to be a good dad. I bet whoever it is the lucky gi-… uh, _person_ that’ll end up with you, they’ll be grateful to have you by their side when the time comes” I finished, no longer knowing why I was saying what I was saying.

  
He looked my curiously from the side.  
  
“Girl” he said in a low voice.  
  
“What?”  
  
“You mean whoever it’s the _girl_ I end up with… You said person, it… it makes it sound… weird” he finished, returning his eyes to the screen of the TV.  
  
I held my breath, not believing the bluntness of this opening, and leaped forward to this rare chance as if it were a lifetime opportunity.  
  
“No, I meant _person_ , hyung” I turned my torso towards him, the TV already forgotten “Why is it weird? I’m not talking about you specifically, but nowadays you shouldn’t limit yourself to straight couples” I shrugged nonchalantly.  
  
“You don’t have to do that with me” he bit back defensively.  
  
“What? No, hyung, I told you it wasn’t because of you. I just prefer to avoid making people uncomfortable in general, so I got accustomed to, you know, not imply genders or ages or… whatever”  
  
“Since when?” he finally looked at me, a mixture of irritation and confusion in his face.  
  
“I don’t know, being in this business made me see a lot of things, and having to play the part at that drama maybe widened up my mind a little bit”  
  
“Widen-…” he shook his head and scoffed.  
  
“What? Don’t tell me you are against homosexual couples” I faked slight surprise.  
  
“What? No I’m-I-I don’t… I’m not, ok?“ he grunted, swiftly looking away from me.  
  
It was a matter of seconds before he got up and left, so I said the first thing that I could think of to keep the conversation going “I mean they have it hard enough as it is” his shoulders squared a little “It must be tough, you know? To have to hide so much for so long and from so many people. To have to fake continuously, to pretend you like what you don’t and that you’re ok with things that actually hurt you” I watched his every move, but all I could see was that he was controlling himself as good as always, so I pushed a little more “And I think the ones that hide it better are the ones that have it harder with themselves” his head attempted to turn to me, but he didn’t “Don’t you think so hyung?”  
  
“What are you talking about Howon? How did we get into this topic?”  
  
“I don’t know, but don’t you think they’d feel trapped? Cornered? I mean they surely need someone to confide in, someone to trust plenty, but they can’t always find such a person-“  
  
“Look this is getting-“  
  
“Just think about it hyung, they can’t even confess to the person they like for fear of being rejected and hated… When maybe that wouldn’t happen at all”  
  
He turned his eyes to his lap, his brow heavy and scrunched, his arms even tighter around his chest. He closed his eyes and let out a long breath, before standing up and rolling his neck.  
  
“I don’t know how the fuck we ended up talking about this, but I’m not in the mood for deep talks” he turned to leave “You need to go finish the recording; the guys must be waiting for you and the manager will be here soon enough, get ready”  
  
I felt my hopes crash against the ground. Was I really thinking he would just have a revelation and come clean to me? It was painfully clear that the only thing I had managed to do was to depress him even more.  
  
 _Oh, well done Howon, well done._  
  
My hand went straight to his arm when he passed by, effectively stopping him in his tracks.  
  
“Wh-?”  
  
“Talk to me” I said in a tight voice, not thinking clearly anymore.  
  
“What?”  
  
I looked up and into his eyes “I said talk to me” I repeated in an almost pleading tone.  
  
He blinked once before slipping his hand from my grip and walking past me and towards the kitchen. I followed him instantly.  
  
“Talk to you about what?”  
  
“Just tell me” I insisted, not really knowing how far I wanted to take this; my mouth quicker than my brain and my patience thinner than my reasoning.  
  
“Tell you what Howon? You’re being weird-“  
  
“Anything you want to tell me, anything you have to tell me, anything you _need_ to tell me”  
  
“There’s nothing I have to tell you” he shot back, his voice so controlled that it was evident he was withholding his emotions.  
  
“Hyung, you can tell me, ok?” I neared him, standing way closer than normal and making him retreat a little against the counter.  
  
“Tell you _what_ Howon?” he spat.  
  
“That… Just” I clenched my teeth and walked closer again “I’m not… I want you to be honest with me”  
  
“The heck are talking about? What’s wrong with you?” he barked back, his hands hitting a pot and almost pushing it to the floor “Stop cornering me, would you?”  
  
“Then just say it! Please trust me, it’s fine, it’s… It’s more than fine! I _want_ you to tell me!”  
  
“Tell you what?!”  
  
“Say it!”  
  
“Stop this crap already!”  
  
“You know what I’m talking about!”  
  
“No I don’t!”  
  
“You do! You can put the pieces together; you know that I _know_ already!”  
  
“Know…what?” his breath faltered “You can’t-“  
  
“I overheard you and Woohyun at the bar, so I’m very well aware of it”  
  
“I don’t-” he shook his head, a slightly panicked look on his face “There’s nothing-“  
  
“Stop hiding it from me, stop trying to destroy it! You’re trying to bury it without even give me the chance to know!”  
  
“But you already know!” he shook his head again and groaned “Whatever it is!”  
  
“But I want _you_ to let me know, to make it real!”  
  
“Make what-?!” his voice wavered a little and he ran a nervous hand through his colored hair.  
  
“Just give me the chance hyung, I want to…”  
  
“To what?” he spat, looking at me for the first time since we got up from the couch “You want to _what_ , exactly?”  
  
“I… I can…” my mouth suddenly went dry, my words tangled in my tongue. What did I want exactly?  
  
“You can?” he narrowed his eyes “You _can_?” his tone hardened.  
  
“Hyung-“  
  
“What are you trying to prove?”  
  
“I’m not-“  
  
“Is this some kind of personal challenge?”  
  
“It’s not!”  
  
“Then what the fuck is all this about?!”  
  
“I don’t…” I struggled to find the words, to find the right answer, the right way to say it, to make him see what I really wanted, but I couldn’t, my jaw moving up and down in silence.  
  
“What are you even trying to do?” he asked, not sounding angry anymore, but tired.  
  
“Hyung” I looked at him dead in the eyes, trying to let him see how honest I was “I want to be able to return it to you”  
  
“Return what?” he laughed humorlessly “You can’t return anything if you don’t have it first Howon”  
  
“But I do have it!” I grasped the sleeve of his sweatshirt, suddenly fearing he’d slip away “I do! Just… Just not the same way, the feelings might be a little different but they’re there!”  
  
He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall “You can’t force it to be what it’s not”  
  
“But-“  
  
“Why are you even trying?” he opened his eyes again, staring right through me “Why are you forcing yourself to… To _feel_ something you don’t? Why are you pushing yourself into something you don’t even want?!”  
  
“But I-“  
  
“Stop this, alright?! I don’t need you to give back anything! You can’t just fabricate feelings that are not there! I don’t want you to force this on yourself just because I feel whatever fuck I’m feeling-!”  
  
“Hyung, I’m not-!”  
  
“This shouldn’t be happening, ok?! This wasn’t supposed to happen! Not now, not never!” he yelled, gripping his hair and sinking against the wall.  
  
“Stop it! Hyung, you don’t understand, I’m not forcing this-“  
  
“Shut up, yes you are! And I don’t want you to! The last thing I need is to have you destroy yourself because of some twisted sense of pity towards me!”  
  
“What? It’s not pity!”  
  
“Then what is wrong with you?!”  
  
“There’s nothing wrong!”  
  
“You wouldn’t even consider anything remotely close to this if you didn’t know! Would you?”  
  
“W-I don’t-I don’t know-“  
  
“Exactly, you’re pushing it to feel what you don’t. I don’t know why, but you are! So stop it!”  
  
“I can’t just stop it!”  
  
“Yes, you can! If _I_ can push it down, the so can you-!”  
  
“Don’t!” I gripped both his arms with a strength I didn’t quiet pretended to use “Don’t get rid of it! Stop trying to get over it, please! At least give me the chance-!”  
  
“No! I won’t let you screw yourself because of me! You shouldn’t know! _I_ shouldn’t be feeling this in the first place! And now I completely screwed things up! I don’t want you going down the drain with me! _I_ messed up, ok?! But if this goes wrong, the whole group suffers the consequences! You get that?!”  
  
I didn’t answer. I just let all his pent up frustration blow up in my face. I didn’t let go of him, though, and never once lost his eyes from my sight. When he finally stopped to breathe, I felt his body wobble on his legs. I let him calm down a little before gathering the air and tempering my own voice to speak.  
  
“I know…” I breathed in and out to get rid of the little quiver in my voice “I know that this might be dangerous, hyung, I’m not stupid” He let out a little defeated sound before attempting to break my hold on his arms, but I only tightened the grip “But at least concede me the right to know what _I_ want” I said between clenched teeth.  
  
“You don’t know-“  
  
“Yes I know! I might be trying to find my way around it, but I know that I want this, I want to get over what’s stopping me and catch up with you-”  
  
“Ho-“  
  
“No! Stop discrediting my power of decision! I’m not delusional, I’m not taking pity on you, I’m not testing myself for the fucking fun of it!” I leaned closer, our faces centimeters away, and spoke every word with my eyes nailed on his “I _want_ to, hyung”  
  
He stared into my eyes for a long minute, his own looking guarded and inquisitive, still reluctant but less distraught.  
  
“And what if you don’t make it?” he asked in a tiny voice.  
  
I was rendered speechless.  
  
 _Right… that tiny detail…_  
  
“I will” I assured, both to him and myself.  
  
“How are you so sure? What if you don’t? What are we supposed to do?” he pressed his mouth into a line before speaking again “What am I supposed to do?”  
  
 _What, indeed?_  
  
I couldn’t promise him anything, I couldn’t be certain that I’d be able to accept all there was of him to accept, I couldn’t know if I’d be able to surpass the fact that I wasn’t physically attracted to men to begin with. I had already surprised myself with how much I was ready to accept in order to get closer to him, and I was sure I’d at least try to get over the last big impediment that obstructed the possibility of having something _else_ with him. But what if I couldn’t? What if it was just too much for me and called it quits? How fair was that for him?  
  
My hands loosened a little and I sighed. I saw his eyes shake and cloud with something, before he returned my stare with a hardened look.  
  
I didn’t care for this new façade, this front of indolence he was trying to put up. I knew the damage was already done. I had given him hope, the most faint, foolish and unreliable kind, but hope at least. So I could imagine what my doubting could have meant for him… That he wasn’t enough after all.  
  
That couldn’t be further from the truth, though. So I made up my mind and straightened my back.  
  
“I can’t promise you that I’ll be able to… But that’s the _only reason_ why you should consider rejecting me”  
  
He stared at me with his mouth slightly open, I could read the confusion and incredulity in his expression.

  
“That’s the only reason” he repeated in a flat tone.  
  
“Yes” I nodded “Not because you _think_ I’m deluding myself, not because you _think_ I’m pitying you, not because you _think_ I’m playing some kind of sick game, not because you _think_ I’m going to go on the streets yelling to the world that I’m-…” I halted and backtracked to avoid another mess up. I gathered my thoughts and continued “The only legitimate reason why you should consider not giving me the opportunity to accomplish what I want is that there is a chance that you might end up getting hurt if I fail” I finished with a weak voice, grudgingly fearing his reaction.  
  
Silence.  
  
I had to yield and let my eyes fall to his neck, because he was incinerating me with his eyes. I could see his shoulders raise and fall into the forced rhythm of his breathing, a steady peace that I knew wasn’t normal at this point. I saw how he swallowed and his chest expanded slowly only to let the air go loudly and relax again. I dared to look up again, but I found myself confronted not with an angry scowl, but with a devastated face.  
  
“Why did you have to find out?” he asked weakly, to what I could not utter a response “I’d rather you find some lucky girl and crush my hopes so I can get over it instead of having you on the line with me”  
  
“But I _did_ find out” I stressed, not knowing how to make him understand anymore “And I’m damn glad I did”  
  
“Are you, now?” he questioned “You’re struggling with it, it’s messing up your head, isn’t it?”  


 ** _You_** _are messing up my head…_  
  
“It did, at the beginning… But that doesn’t mean that I want this any less. I want this to work”  
  
“ _This_?”  
  
“Yes, this…” I trailed off. What was this exactly? There was a little, tiny word that could mean the world right then, that could put it simple and evident enough for him to see how much I meant this; _us_ , I wanted _us_ to work. But I couldn’t get myself to say it, because it implied such a compromise that something in me feared what it might mean once it was out… So I stayed silent.  
  
He choked a dry chuckle “You can’t even say it” I didn’t retort, because he was right. He looked at me with resigned eyes, a deep remorse swirling in them. I couldn’t stand to watch it so I looked down at his neck again. My hands tightened around his arms as if trying to make up for it, but he pried them off gently and gave my hands a soft, almost weak squeeze “I’m sorry Howon”  
  
 _Why are you even apologizing for?_  
  
I wanted to ask him, but I couldn’t say a word as I watched him walk away.  
  


* * *

  
  
  
 **[Part 6 (Sunggyu)]**  
  
  
My fist hurt, a whole big lot, but I kept on punching the wall mercilessly. When I finally stopped, I kicked the bed, then the bed-side table. Then I threw the blankets off, kicked the bed again, threw the lamp off the table, a bag, a book, kicked the lamp from the floor, smashing it against the wall.  
  
I left the room, in a futile attempt of calming myself, but I couldn’t. My hands still shook with force and my jaw hurt because of how hard I was clenching my teeth. I wasn’t able to even reach the other side of the corridor when I had to stop and kick a door one, two and three times until it flew open. I saw it was the bathroom, so I got in, shakily trying to open the faucet and splashing cold water over my face. I leaned over the sink, my breathing hard and shallow, until I felt a little bit calmer. I looked up, and found myself staring at the reflection of red eyes, pale skin, a twisted brow and a tight mouth. I wanted to punch my face so hard, so fucking hard that I almost break the mirror into pieces. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t fix it before the rest came back, so I had to hold back.  
  
I kicked the sink and sunk to my knees instead, trying to control the swirl of emotions that was running all over me at the moment. I felt so frustrated, defeated, desperate, scared, but over all I felt angry, so angry that I had clawed bright red marks on my arms and neck, I almost ripped the hair out of my head and my fists and feet hurt for kicking and punching so many things in so little time.  
  
The anger kept boiling until it reached my eyes and the wet, hot feeling of the tears pooling and blurring my vision told me to get a grip on it before I lost it.  
  
I tried to fill my chest with air, but instead of releasing it steadily as I intended to, I ended up growling like an animal and letting out a ragged yell that resonated against the walls of the bathroom. I curled down over my legs and bit the fabric of my sweatshirt before releasing another raw scream, this time muffled but still loud enough to fill the otherwise quiet dorm. At some point, between my third and fourth scream, I had started crying, my fist hitting the cold floor in an attempt of exteriorizing all the burning feelings that clogged my throat.  
  
I don’t know how long I lied there, slumped in the white tiles, hurting inside out and doing nothing more than despise my own incapability to protect the group from my twisted self, but as the time went by, I felt my body grow more and more tired, all strength abandoning me until I couldn’t do more than breathe and blink.  
  
My face felt irritated, the salty tears having dampened half of it, my nose clogged, my throat raw and my hands and feet burning. My phone went off somewhere in the dorm, but I couldn’t muster enough willpower to even care about it before it stopped.  
  
By the third time it rang, I was able to shift a little, my head dizzy and aching. The fourth time, I got up in wobbly legs and arms, and stood up with help of the sink. I reached my room by the end of the fifth call. I stared at the screen; five missed calls from Dongwoo. Not a minute later, it started ringing again, and it almost got cut again before I tapped the screen to answer, but didn’t lift it to my ear, just stared at it a little more.  
  
“ _Hyung?_ ” Dongwoo’s voice blasted muffled from the phone “ _Hyung!_ ”  
  
I sighed and finally decided to answer, sniffing back before putting the phone on my ear “Yeah…” I croaked lamely.  
  
“ _Uh… Are you ok? What were you doing? Is everything fine?_ ”  
  
“I’m ok, I was… Just…” I cleared my throat, pushing my brain to work again “Sleeping”  
  
“ _Oh… Ok then, uh… I’ll… I’ll try to make some time here then, to give you time, you know, so you can… Um, wake up?_ ” he laughed a little, an uneasy quiver thinning the usual bubbly sound.  
  
“Mh” was all I could muster in reply.  
  
“ _Uh… Hang in there a little bit, ok? Don’t hung up!_ ” he said, before a lot of rustling sounds and muffled voices filtered through. Finally his voice came out again, faded and barely distinguishable “ _He wants to talk to you, ok? Just pick the damned phone!_ ” he urged impatiently, surprising me a little with his harsh tone.  
  
There was some more rustling and then another voice “ _Hyung?_ ” it was Woohyun.  
  
I almost snorted at Dongwoo’s search for help. Almost.  
  
“Yeah”  
  
“ _… Uh, what is it?_ ”  
  
“Nothing”  
  
“ _Then why did you want to talk to me?_ ”  
  
 _I didn’t_  
  
But I couldn’t say it.  
  
“I… I’m fine…” I felt my nose leaking a bit and my eyes getting warm again.  
  
There was a loud and sharp sigh, some movement and Woohyun again “ _It’s Hoya, isn’t it?”_ he asked in a low but harsh tone. I didn’t answer _“What happened? Did you guys fight or something? Was it him? What did he do now?_ ”  
  
“Nothing”  
  
“ _Don’t try to lie to me, Sunggyu, not to me_ ” he waited for some answer, and continued when he got none “ _Look, he just got here and he looks half dead, he said he was feeling a little bad on the stomach and I almost believed him, but then Dongwoo started fuzzing all over him and I know that when the Dino doesn’t believe him we shouldn’t either-_ “  
  
“He knows”  
  
“ _-So I… Wait, what? He knows what?_ ”  
  
“He knows” I gritted between my clenched teeth “He fucking knows” my voice wavered.  
  
“ _What are you-?_ ”  
  
“Why the fuck did he find out?” I couldn’t stop the little sob and sniffed again “What am I supposed to do now, Hyun? What am I going to do?”  
  
“ _Wait, Gyu, calm down. How do you know he knows?_ ”  
  
“He freaking told me! He cornered me and started to ask for explanations or whatever!”  
  
“ _Wait, he **cornered** you? What did he say to you? Did he hurt you or any-?_ ”  
  
“No, he didn’t… I don’t even know what he wanted, he… He kept saying he wanted me to tell him and… I don’t know, Hyun, I screwed up, I completely screwed everything up!” I took a shaky breath and broke down again.  
  
“ _Sung-_ “  
  
“I’m such an asshole, what have I done? Why couldn’t just get over this fucking thing once and for all? He shouldn’t have found out, I shouldn’t have been so careless, what if he tells anyone? What the fuck, he won’t, he’ll probably manage this better than me, anyone could! Why the heck did I have to get these stupid feelings?! Freaking piece of shit! What the hell have I done?! I could-!”  
  
“ _Just shut the fuck up!!_ ” his voice boomed through the phone and into my head. I stayed silent, quietly sobbing and sniffing as he grumbled something and dismissed the matter to the rest of the guys “ _Look… You need to calm down, ok?_ ” he said in a softer voice, but I still couldn’t get over the teary mess I had become “ _Sunggyu… Hyung… Hey, I’m sorry I yelled at you, ok? Could you please stop crying?... Come on, Gyu_ ”  
  
“I’ll ruin everything” I managed to say between sobs.  
  
“ _You won’t, ok? I won’t let that happen, we’ll set things right again, you’ll see… He’s not angry, ok? He looks sad actually… Well no, scratch that, he’s killing me with his glare at the moment, I think he knows I’m talking to you_ ” he hummed “ _See? He’s not mad at you- Ohh, well crap…_ ”  
  
“What?” I sniffed.  
  
“ _He’s… I think he wants to talk to you… Or beat me up, I’m not sure_ ”  
  
“What?... Are-?”  
  
“ _Oh, I don’t think so…_ ” he said, but his voice sounded distant, he wasn’t talking to me.  
  
“Hyun?”  
  
“ _Yes, it’s him, why?..._ ” someone spoke, but I couldn’t distinguish who it was “ _… I don’t think it’s any of your concern_ ”  
  
“Woohyun…”  
  
“ _Just give me the phone!_ ” Howon’s voice sounded suddenly.  
  
“ _I don’t think so, I don’t know what the fuck you said or did, but it was enough already!_ ”  
  
“ _You don’t know shit, this is between hyung and me!_ ”  
  
“ _Oh, but I know! It’s you who doesn’t know what you’re doing-!_ ”  
  
“ _The heck are you saying?_ ”  
  
“ _You’re just doing whatever you feel like without thinking of the consequences, you selfish fucker!_ ”  
  
“ _What did you say-?!_ ”  
  
“ _Woah, guys, wait!_ ” Dongwoo’s voice butted in.  
  
“ _Repeat that, you bastard!_ ”  
  
“ _You’re a selfish piece of trash, that’s what I said!_ ”  
  
“ _You’re so fucking done!!_ ”  
  
“ _Guys, wait-!!_ ”  
  
A loud crash sounded, soon followed by a somewhat distant ruckus of voices and struggling.  
  
I cut the call and threw the phone away, watching it as if it could bite me.  
  
I had done it, I had definitely and effectively messed everything up. I sat on the floor of the room, completely at a loss, too frightened of what was going to happen next, things were going to go off in no time if I didn’t do something about it, but what could I possibly do to mend the wreck I had caused?

  
 _And you call yourself the leader of the group? Just look what you fucking wreck of a person caused, a disaster. You weren’t capable to control yourself and now you can’t even man up and take responsibility, you’re just letting things sink deeper._  
  
But really, what was I supposed to do now? I wished someone would tell me, because I was completely lost.

 


	5. Hoya's final leap

**[Part 7 (Hoya)]**

  
“I know, I know, I know, I’m sorry!” I snapped, holding my head in my hands.  
  
“Gosh!” Dongwoo huffed, standing at my side, hands in hips and a foot tapping the floor impatiently.  
  
“Hey” I heard Myungsoo’s voice from the door “Woohyun hyung is going home”  
  
“Just let him” Dongwoo said, his voice denoting deep annoyance.  
  
“No” I stood up and walked to the visual “Wait, I’ll be going home”  
  
“Oh, no, no, no” the other rapper laughed humorlessly behind me “you’re not”  
  
“What? Why not?”  
  
“I think it’s enough for now” Sungyeol commented from behind Myungsoo, entering the room “You need to let things cool down a little, ok?”  
  
“What do you know-?”  
  
“Howon, enough already” Dongwoo interrupted, and my next words died in my mouth when I saw the look in his eyes.  
  
He was mad, all right.  
  
“Look, maybe you should avoid him for a while, let him gather himself back a little” Sungyeol attempted again.  
  
“But…” I looked at them, all giving me significant looks. I had the slight suspicion they weren’t talking about Woohyun, so I tried another approach “How long do you guys think he’ll need then?” I asked, my voice way weaker than what I’d have liked.  
  
They were about to answer but halted and looked at each other in slight surprise and confusion.  
  
“Who are you talking about?” Myungsoo asked Sungyeol.  
  
“Who do _you_ think I’m talking about?” the choding retorted with a suspicious look in his face.  
  
“Wait, are you guys talking about who I _think_ you’re talking about?” Dongwoo asked, sounding unsure.

  
“I don’t know who you think I’m talking about” Sungyeol replied.  
  
“Then tell us who you are talking about and then we’ll know if we’re all talking about the same person” Myungsoo offered.  
  
“And what if we’re not-?”  
  
“Oh god, guys please!” I stopped them.  
  
It was the maknae who finally answered me, leaning against the door frame.  
  
“Yes, we’re all talking about the same thing huyngs, rest assured” he said to the three, then turned to me “I’d say a week at least, but we have work to do and we live in the same apartment so… At least the rest of today and maybe tomorrow morning, I think you have separate schedules anyway”  
  
Yeah, we had, Sunggyu would be recording for some show while Dongwoo and I would be working on a choreography, but Woohyun also had a different schedule with the rest of the group, so I still wasn’t sure who they were talking about.  
  
“Ok” I ended up conceding.  
  
I had to stay away from Woohyun too anyway. I rubbed my jaw absentmindedly as I tried to cling onto the feeling of anger not to recall the deep accusation in the lead vocal’s eyes. I knew perfectly well what he had been talking about, and I knew that the reason Dongwoo had ran to him with the phone was because a distressed Sunggyu was in the other line.  
  
I sighed and sat down again, arms on my knees and my face in my hands. I felt terribly guilty as I saw the deep concern in Woohyun’s face while talking with Sunggyu, it was like watching someone finding the mess you made and didn’t fix. It had surprised me when I heard him yelling at hyung so harshly. I had automatically stood up then, feeling angry at him for treating my hyung like that when he probably was going through a bad moment. But Dongwoo had me sitting down again and telling me to cool down. I knew I had no right to be so mad when it was my fault in the first place that things were like that, but I couldn’t help myself from standing again and walking to Woohyun. I wanted to talk to Sunggyu, I wanted to apologize to him, try to make him understand again.  
  
Things hadn’t gone so well in the end, my bruised jaw told me that much.  
  
“Come on, Hoya, don’t look so gloomy” Dongwoo’s voice brought me back to reality, his hand landing heavy and comforting on my shoulder “Just give it some time, ok?”  
  
“Yeah, he might be a stubborn hyung, but he’ll probably be more approachable if you give him a little space” Myungsoo sat beside me, giving a questioning look at Dongwoo, who nodded at him in response.  
  
“Guys, I don’t-“  
  
“Yeah, you shouldn’t push him” Sungyeol added “You don’t do that, ok? Big no-no” he shook his finger at me, his eyes with big round “Don’t you know animals get aggressive when cornered?”  
  
“Yeah, listen to the wild adventurer here, he dealt with a feisty lizard before, didn’t you Yeol hyung?” Sungjong snickered while lifting his eyebrows to the choding.  
  
“Totally true, I’m an expert here” Sungeyol replied with a similar expression, then splitting his curious attention between the other two as if trying to question them with his eyes.  
  
I allowed myself to laugh lightly at their rubbish talking and their constant exchange of questioning looks between each other. My own suspicions on the subject of their talking were growing and my hopes were also starting to piece back together.  
  
I did as they told me; I let them both alone for as long as I could. Woohyun would throw nasty glares at me every chance he got, the bruise near his eye was fading and so did my guilt over punching him, so I managed to lightly glare back, just for the heck of it.  
  
Sunggyu wouldn’t even appear in my presence, but three days into my sidestepping, I finally caught him.

I had woken up in the middle of the night and went to grab something to drink, and there he was, dark shadows in his face and a lost look in his eyes. I didn’t know if I should approach him yet, but he saw me before I could walk away. He looked surprised, and a little unsettled, so I tried to make things easier.  
  
“Hey” I tried, to what he only nodded, shifting his sight to the wall “Can’t sleep?” he nodded again “How are you?” I mumbled, almost wishing he wouldn’t hear me, but he did.  
  
He looked at me with a hard glare at first, but then it softened and wavered until he dropped his eyes to the floor.  
  
“Fine” he grunted.  
  
“Ok…” I walked closer, slowly and trying to go unnoticed, almost laughing at myself and thinking I might have been paying too much attention to Sungyeol’s advices regarding wild animal’s behavior. I managed to walk right to his side until he looked up and jumped a little “I’m sorry”  
  
He blinked a little and sighed “What for?”  
  
“For pushing you”  
  
“Pushing me?”  
  
“Cornering you”  
  
“Mh… That’s it?”  
  
“Yeah”  
  
“Nothing else you regret?”  
  
“Don’t think so”  
  
“Really…”  
  
“Yes” I tried to catch his eyes, but he kept avoiding mine “I won’t do it again, I’ll back off and give you the space you need, but I’m not giving up”  
  
“Do you hear yourself, Howon?”  
  
“Perfectly clear”  
  
He sighed heavily and rubbed his hands on his face, making visible the fading little cuts and bruises in his fingers and knuckles. I grabbed his hand softly, but he pulled away with the same gentleness.  
  
“Howon, don’t” he said.  
  
“I’m really sorry” I insisted, my eyes never leaving his bruised hands.  
  
“It wasn’t your fault”  
  
“Whose then?”  
  
“Mine” he shrugged, and went on before I could even protest “I shouldn’t have these-… It’s just wrong for me to-“  
  
“It’s not, hyung, you know it’s not” I stopped him, not willing to hear any of that crap.  
  
“It was wrong for me to direct these feelings towards you in the first place” he insisted.  
  
“You didn’t _direct_ them to me, hyung”  
  
“Still the same outcome”  
  
“Maybe, but you’re not at fault”  
  
He shook his head slowly and looked up at me, slight question in his eyes. I smiled at him without even thinking, just a reflect when his doubtful look found me, and I let it widen when I saw his own smile shyly peek from his worn out expression.  
  
“I really don’t know what to do with you anymore” he admitted, the tiny smile fading from his mouth.

  
“You don’t have to do anything” I shrugged “Just don’t push me away”  
  
“I don’t”  
  
“Hyung”  
  
“Ok, I won’t anymore”  
  
“I’d appreciate that a lot”  
  
“You should go to sleep now”  
  
“Yeah, that’s a great example of not pushing me away”  
  
“Shut up” he said, a dry chuckle sounding from his throat.  
  
I couldn’t help to smile like an idiot and he apparently couldn’t help his own smile to show when he looked up at me again.  
  
“What?” I asked.  
  
“What? It’s you who’s smiling like a dork”  
  
“You are too”  
  
“It’s your fault, just go to sleep already” he pushed me lightly.  
  
I left the kitchen laughing softly.  
  
“Good night, hyung”  
  
“Night, Howon”  
  
Strange to say that I couldn’t sleep well after that, my mind swelling with hopeful thoughts, but my own optimism kept me awake enough the following day.  
  
I kept to my word and tried to give Sunggyu more space, tried to act normally and not worry anyone anymore, while he was being the same hyung as always again. The only difference was that I’d find myself looking at him more often, smiling every time he did, even if he wasn’t smiling at me.  
  
I was sure I was on the right track now, I felt like being pulled towards him by a constant current under my feet, his mere presence taking my attention and brightening my surroundings. I felt so accomplished that people started noticing my good mood. Even Woohyun loosened his guarded attitude towards me, falling back to our friendly bickering and only throwing attentive glances when Sunggyu and I were near each other.  
  
Things were moving smoothly, so smooth that sometimes I thought they were going a little fast and I wasn’t quite able to notice the changes of my own perception of him. I still remembered the night I had attempted to kiss him, but now I had a stupid smile plastered on my face every time I thought of it, and every time I looked at his lips, knowing that I had already felt them. I had even burst out laughing once, a fit of girly giggles that broke completely my composed image in front of the staff while getting ready for another recording of the single we were working on. He had looked at me weirdly (they all had, but I wasn’t paying attention to the rest of the guys at the moment) and I could only smile wider to him.  
  
He had smiled back, not the shy, doubtful excuse of a smile he had been using with me for the last days, but his full, big, beautiful smile that reached his eyes so noticeably.  
  
The moment I realized that I had moved way further than what I thought was one night, after a long day of running between schedules, dancing and vocal practice, filming, fixing, re-fixing, recording and re-recording (and looking at him as he danced and sweated and breathed hard, at his focused face, his scrunching eyebrows, and his mouth moving passionately with every word his voice molded into a beautiful sound). We had gone to bed tired and sleep caught up to us rather quickly. I had my put headphones on, as usual, this time choosing to let Sunggyu’s soft, sweet voice fill my head as I drifted into a peaceful sleep, lulled by the soothing sound of his singing. I definitely wasn’t expecting to wake up in the middle of the night, startled and confused, sweaty and breathing heavily, and most importantly, not with that particularly tight feeling in my boxers when the fuzzy images of our leader still swirled around in my head.  
  
 _What in actual fuck?!_  
  
It was the eloquent way of my brain to express the feelings of twisted shock, confusion, skepticism and slight fright. Honestly, I didn’t know what to do, or I did, but wasn’t sure exactly if I could. I spent a while in my bed, then another while against the closed bathroom door and I almost went limp again, if only the images wouldn’t keep coming back, as if trying to give me that little push I needed until I managed to surpass my doubts and reluctance and started evoking the blurry dream back, remembering the breathy, high pitched notes of his voice to go through a rather awkward yet satisfying handjob.  
  
Needless to say, I acted a little uncomfortable around Sunggyu the next day, and the day after that. I finally threw my last concerns through the window by the third day, when the second dream pulled me from bed in almost complete acceptance. I still let days go by, slowly letting my brain wrap around the idea that, ‘ _hey, I’m jerking off while thinking about him_ ’. And in no time at all, it was my brain who sent me the clear message that ‘ _yes, I noticed buddy_ ’ by translating things I had particularly seen or noticed during the day (like a patch of pale skin as he stretched, his sweaty neck, pink lips parted and heavy breathing as we practiced, his casually alluring voice echoing through the dorm while he sang in the shower) into more heated fantasies. So little by little I lost the last remains of my doubts and made up my mind for good, all my courage and determination geared up in a huge mass of bravery set on one single purpose, to cross the freaking line.  
  
We had our last part of the filming of the MV, that had been delayed from the rest because the place we were shooting had been unavailable due to an electronic issue with the big screen we were supposed to use.  
We were all suited up and ready, eager to get this done and go back to practicing in comfortable clothes for our still running concerts. But the thing was actually simple and short, so we had it nailed in no time at all, it hadn’t been two hours since we started and we were already changing back and heading for the van to return to the dorm.  
  
I noticed that Sunggyu had been delayed, as per usual, to check the upcoming schedules with our managers, so I tried to slow down my departure too. The guys were all impatient and couldn’t wait to go home, as it was already past midnight and we had to get up really early the next morning.  
  
“Hey, Hoya, hurry up, don’t you want to go home?” Dongwoo prodded while he tied his shoes.  
  
“Yeah, we’re all done here, come on” Sungyeol agreed.  
  
“Yeah, sure, I’m on it” I mumbled, as I fastened my belt. Then the sudden idea of the guys having to wait for me popped in my head “Uh, are we… waiting for Sunggyu hyung?”  
  
“Uh, no I think he’ll be returning a little later, but just a bit… We could wait if you want” Dongwoo answered dubiously.  
  
“Oh, no, it’s ok. You go then, I’ll wait for him” I waited a bit, but I got no answer, so I looked up from the socks I was putting on to find not only Dongwoo but all of the guys staring at me “Uh… What is it?”  
  
“So… You’ll wait for him?” Myungsoo asked.  
  
“Yeah…”

  
“You don’t want us to wait with you?” Sungjong piped in.  
  
“No, you don’t have to”  
  
“It’s no big deal to us” Sungyeol shrugged, but I could see the corner of his mouth tugging upwards a little.  
  
“No, it’s fine, just go” I insisted, to what I only got more stares and even a smirk in response “Ok, what’s up with you?” I asked suspiciously.  
  
They all shrugged and dismissed the case nonchalantly, but I saw Woohyun still staring heavily at me a little more before looking down at his hands.  
  
“Well then, I’ll be going” Dongwoo chirped before starting to laugh “I say Ho, you say Ya!” he chanted as he exited the room.  
  
I couldn’t even voice my concern for his sanity when someone slapped my back harshly.  
  
“Yo! Go get it hyung!” Sungyeol hollered before rushing out.  
  
“Yes, fighting Hoya hyung” the maknae pumped a fist and left, dragging with him a smirking Myungsoo that waved at me.  
  
I watched the door in confusion for a while until I sensed the pair of eyes burning a hole in my head.

  
“So… Are you going too?” I asked.  
  
Woohyun only stared, then he picked up his bag and walked slowly to the door, only to halt and turn to me, a frown shadowing his face. I feared that he’d stay, as I knew he suspected what I was trying to do, and I also knew how much of a jealous, distrustful and overprotective jerk he could be when he wanted to. But I could do nothing against him if he decided to ruin my chance, so I just stared back at him, trying to silently ask him to go. He seemed to doubt for a while, but then his brow lifted and his face softened, he averted his eyes to the corridor and then back to me, nodding a few times before leaving and closing the door behind him.  
  
I waited a few seconds to see if he’d have a change of mind, be he didn’t come back. I approached the door and opened slightly, peeking outside to see if any of the guys was still around. There was no one, but I could hear Sunggyu’s voice faintly, so I followed the sound not too far into the corridor, just behind the last corner before the entrance doors.  
  
Woohyun was there with him, a hand on his shoulder and a serious look in his face.  
  
“Seriously, Hyun, what is it?” Sunggyu asked.  
  
“Nothing, just…” Woohyun trailed of and patted the leader’s shoulder a few times, heavy and slow at first, then a bit lighter and finally just shaking him softly “You’ll smile today, wont’ you? You’ve been doing so well lately”  
  
“What?”  
  
The younger suddenly hugged him and swung him to the sides playfully “You better smile today, you better be ok” he repeated.  
  
“The heck, Hyun? What did you drink?” Sunggyu chuckled as he was released from the hug.  
  
I was surprisingly glad to see the big dorky smile on Woohyun’s face when he stepped back.  
  
“You just do, Gyu, or I’ll have to break some pretty noses” he patted the confused leader’s shoulder one last time before walking away and out.  
  
Sunggyu shook his head and snorted before turning and making his way towards the corridor, his eyes closed as he rolled his neck tiredly. I hurriedly padded my way back to the changing room and waited (and I couldn’t help to rub my nose protectively).  
  
“Why are you still here?” I heard Sunggyu asking as he entered the room.  
  
“I was waiting for you”  
  
“Why?”  
  
I looked at him, dark hair a little messy and the shirt already unbuttoned at the top.  
  
“I wanted to” I shrugged.  
  
He eyed me curiously, his hand absentmindedly unbuttoning the shirt further down until he seemed to notice what he was doing and walked into the little bathroom adjacent to the room with his clothes in his hands.

I actually laughed at my own disappointment.  
  
When he came out, dressed in dark jeans and a big hoodie, he headed directly to the door with the suit of the recording nicely folded in his arms. I stepped forward and took it from him, hurrying through the corridor and calling loudly for the managers. The moment one of them showed his face I pushed the clothes into his arms and went back at the speed of light to the room, where, to my luck, Sunggyu was still lazily rummaging into his bag searching for something.  
  
“Aha” he mumbled triumphantly as he held up a pair of brightly colored socks.  
  
“So” I started, subtly closing the door behind me “I already gave the clothes to Geonam hyung”  
  
“Oh, yeah, I was wondering what the heck was that about” he sat down to pull on the socks.  
  
“Just wanted to… help?” things were more uncomfortable than what I thought they would be, but he didn’t seem to notice. I cleared my throat and sat down beside him “So, how have you been?”  
  
He looked at me from the side, one eyebrow raised in suspicion.  
  
“I feel an unwanted conversation approaching” he said.  
  
“Why unwanted?”  
  
“I don’t know, just have the feeling”  
  
“I want to have this conversation”  
  
“I wasn’t referring to you precisely”  
  
“Figured that much”  
  
We fell into silence again as he reached for his shoes and started tying them up. I watched his relaxed profile while he did, his pretty hands moving swiftly and his shoulder blades shifting under his clothes as he moved his arms. When I went back to his face I found him looking at me.  
  
“You’re being creepy” he said in an accusing tone.  
  
“You didn’t answer me”  
  
“What did I have to answer?”  
  
“How have you been?”  
  
“Really?” he sounded amused but I remained silent and waiting for him to answer “Well… Fine, I guess…” he shrugged dismissively.  
  
“Glad to hear” I nodded and shifted closer to him “I’ve… I’ve been thinking a lot lately”  
  
He straightened his back, done with his shoes, and tilted his head in a curious manner that I found strangely endearing “About what?”  
  
“You” I deadpanned, watching as his shoulders squared and his face hardened “You have no idea how much I’ve been thinking of you” he scoffed and looked away, but I dared to push a little more, lowering my voice “And I think you wouldn’t believe the _ways_ I’ve been thinking of you”  
  
His eyes flew back to me, urging with curiosity but piercing with warning.  
  
“What are you saying?” he asked, his voice sharp like a whiplash.  
  
I had to gather my courage all over again, because his face and his tone had crushed half of my determination and scattered all of it on the ground.  
  
 _Man up Lee Howon, he won’t bite you!_  
  
But it was a little hard to believe when you had those dark, threatening eyes drilling holes into your skull, _daring_ you to go further. It took me a few more seconds to find my way back and not cower under his defensive stance, but I was done with the push and pull, I was ending it right then.  
  
I moved closer to him, but he stood up and strode to the door. I hurried to stop him and managed to reach him as he opened the door. I wasn’t feeling particularly composed at the time, I felt like there was something running behind me, stepping on my heals, like I had to grab this chance and not let it go, so it didn’t surprise me that my originally calm, smooth initiative crumbled down into me slamming the door shut and out of his hands and practically trapping him against the wall between my arms.  
  
It took me two seconds in total to realize the dangerously volatile mixture of shock, fear and anger that swirled in his eyes, and not even one second to step back and apologize. He stood in place, his breathing heavy but controlled, his face firm into a serious yet soft scowl and his stance as tall and straight as it could go. I had to bring the mood back to a safe zone before I screwed things up again.  
  
“Don’t go, ok?” I said, softening my tone as much as I could in hopes that it would soothe his increasing irritation “I stayed behind the rest because I wanted to talk to you, so please don’t walk away yet”

He held my stare with a stubborn scowl for a while until his brow faltered and his eyes blinked the harshness away. He sighed long and relaxed his shoulders.  
  
“Howon…” he sighed again “Not now, ok? I’m really tired, I don’t think I can handle… a _talk_ right now”  
  
“But hyung-“  
  
“Please Howon” he insisted, a hand running through his dark hair.  
  
I almost let it go, won over by his tired face, his slumped stance and the weariness that rang under his voice, but I didn’t.  
  
I stepped closer to him again, and saw in his face how he began giving up the hopes of avoiding this. I felt a little bad, seeing how he seriously didn’t want to go through it, but I knew this had to be said, I had to let him know and I was sick and tired of him pushing me aside. It was enough that the tables were so turned around; me being the one almost begging for a chance and he avoiding me over and over again. I wouldn’t have believed it under any pretext had I know months ago, but here I was, running after him and cornering him (again), trying to make him understand once and for all that I was seriously no longer satisfied with only friendship between us.  
  
“No, hyung, I need you to listen to me for once”  
  
“For once?”  
  
“Yes, I want you to stop running away from me-“  
  
“I’m not-“  
  
“-and accept the fact that I’m interested in you in other ways besides what you think”  
  
“Ugh, could you please…? You just lost me, what was that about?”  
  
“Don’t play around, hyung, you know what I’m talking about”  
  
“No, I don-“  
  
“I like you, all right?”  
  
“Yes, ok” he nodded nonchalantly, and I groaned in annoyance.  
  
“I like you more than you think… Actually, no, it’s more than what you’d _want_ to think, because I know you are just trying to ignore all this“  
  
“Ignore what? I already told you before that all this matter is just confusing you-“  
  
“It’s not!”  
  
“Don’t yell at me Howon” he spat.  
  
“You are so frustrating!”  
  
“Frus-I’m fr-What?!“ he stumbled over his words, and I might have visibly flinched at the anger that suddenly bloomed in his face. I almost _heard_ the snap inside of him.  
  
“I d-“  
  
“ _I’m_ frustrating?!” he hollered, making me jump back a little “ _I_ am frustrating, Howon?!”  
  
“Let-“  
  
“Shut the fuck up!”  
  
“Hyung!” I tried to approach him again, more than surprised by his aggressive outburst.  
  
“Just shut the fuck up, Howon! I’m not taking this shit from you!” he swatted my hand away “You don’t know shit about this! So don’t come tell me how frustrating _I_ am being!”  
  
“Listen-“ I held his arm, but got pushed away again.  
  
“I’m not!”  
  
“L-“  
  
“Get off!”  
  
“Hyung, please listen to me!” I pleaded, gripping his arms firmly and trying to look into his eyes. He kept trying to pry my hands off, but I felt him giving up slowly, his hands sluggish and his expression more anguished than angry. When he finally stopped struggling, he let himself bump against the wall behind him, eyes closed and head low. I tried to mend things… again “Look, I didn’t mean it that way, ok? I know… Or I don’t know, but I can imagine that you’ve had it hard”  
  
He looked up, the resignation in him washing the anger into simple annoyance.  
  
“You think so” he deadpanned.  
  
“Then with the more reason, why won’t you let me-?”  
  
“I already told you” he practically whined “What’s left for me when you realize this is all a mistake? When you finally regain your senses and pull back from all this… Stupid show of pity you’re making?”  
  
“It’s not pity” I gritted my teeth, my fingers digging into his arms “Will you please drop the denial and listen to me seriously for once?”  
  
“You’re not-“  
  
“What do I need to do for you to trust me?” I raised my voice again, feeling my own patience starting to run “Am I not trustworthy hyung? Am I that fickle to you?”  
  
“Don’t say that, you know I don’t think of you like that”  
  
“It’s not what you’re showing right now, you’re making me feel like an infant, ok? And I think I’m old enough to know what I want and what I can or can’t do” I could see the reluctance still dominant in him, but his blind denial was starting to falter “I’m not playing games with you, and it actually kind of hurts my feelings that you think I would, you know?”  
  
He looked up at me, lots of questions and answers hanging from his hesitant mouth. He finally pressed his lips closed and lowered his eyes again. He took my hands and pulled them from his arms, then pushed me softly away. I didn’t move.  
  
“We should-“  
  
“Do I have to get down on my knees for you to believe me?” I said, feeling the hurt in my own voice “Would you finally believe in me if I do it in from of everyone? Do you need a signed declaration to trust in my word? Just tell me what I have to do for you to have a little faith in me”  
  
He didn’t say anything, but his hands squeezed mine and he stopped pushing. He breathed deeply a few times before starting to shake his head lightly. I felt my soul fall to my feet, my resolution drifting away. I swallowed hard and tried to regain my composure, I didn’t know what to do anymore, I didn’t want to be pushed away. I had come so far already, I couldn’t just let him slip away, I needed to be near him, as close as I could, I was beyond any possibilities of backtracking by now, and it really hurt to be rejected so vehemently.  
  
“Howon” he called, but I couldn’t look at him anymore. He pulled my hands closer to him “You are one of the most trustworthy persons I know… ” I didn’t answer, still dealing with the many reactions that fought to come out “Don’t… Don’t be mad… No, actually, you can, and you totally should” his clumsy fingers started to play with mine.  
  
A curt knock on the door beside us broke the moment and the manager’s voice came through the door “Sunggyu-ah! We’re leaving in fifteen minutes”  
  
“Got it” he answered in a flat voice.  
  
When the sound of the steps faded away, he turned back to me, and I had him jumping startled as I leaned in, letting go of his hands and draping my arms around him tightly, my head dropping on his shoulder. He relaxed after a couple of seconds, but only held onto the sides of my shirt instead of hugging back.  
  
“What is it then?” I asked, unable to raise my tone over a deflated mumble. He sighed against my neck “Just tell me, hyung, be honest with me. What is the problem with giving me a chance?” I lifted my head a little “I can fix it, we can work it out, hyung, just give me… Give us a chance, would you?” I felt him shiver in my arms, I don’t know exactly the reason why, but I rubbed his back nonetheless “Is it because you don’t think I love you enough?” I felt him shake his head “Because I do, I did before and I still do now, just in a different depth” No answer, so I went on “Is it because you think I’m not… attracted to you?” he didn’t move “So that’s one of the problems” he only swallowed loudly “But I am”  
  
“No, you’re not-“  
  
“Stop” I squeezed him before he could go on “Stop doing that” I said curtly, knowing he’d understand, “You’re an amazing leader, hyung, I recognize the scary understanding you have of all of us, but I still think I know this kind of things better than you, ok?”  
  
He waited a little before answering “Sorry for having my reservations, but last time I checked you were as straight as a pole”  
  
I actually laughed at that “I told you I had been thinking a lot about you”  
  
“You don’t create physical attraction just by thinking of someone”  
  
“I didn’t create it, I discovered it”  
  
He scoffed amusedly “Bullshit”  
  
I let it pass, because the soft tone of humor under the retort made it inoffensive. Instead I chose to act on my word, and hugged him harder, moving my head up until I brushed our cheeks together.  
  
“Up until now” I said softly, and felt his fingers clutch tighter onto my shirt “if I’m not mistaken, I’ve had…” I hummed thoughtfully “About ten or twelve wet dreams about you” there was a weird sound coming from him, I don’t know if it was a scoff, a chocking cough or a sneeze “And all dutifully carried to the end without problems”  
  
“What the-?”  
  
“None lacking in any way and all satisfying and frustrating at the same time, as they should be”  
  
He shifted back, distancing our shoulders so he could look at me. He had an incredulous yet accusing look in his face, bright red cheeks and mouth parted still in search of an appropriate response.  
  
“The fuck?” he finally said.  
  
“And that’s only part of the evidence, but all in all I think I have enough resources to state that, yes” I moved my hands against his back to make the point more clear “I am actually attracted to you”  
  
His features moved into a surprised look, blinking a few times and darting his eyes to the side twice while I stared steadily. After some time, he cleared his throat and tried to inconspicuously get off the hug, but I only pressed harder.  
  
“Howon, the managers are going to come fetch us in any time if we don’t hurry” he said, still admirably able to use an authoritative tone.  
  
“Ok” I conceded nodding “So, are you more reassured now?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“That I’m not playing around”  
  
“I didn’t think you were”  
  
“Yes you did, you said so hyung”  
  
“I didn’t mean it like that”  
  
“Like what then?”  
  
“Ugh, never mind, just let’s go”  
  
“Not until you answer me”  
  
“Answer what?” I didn’t even answer, done with his evasion. I simply started into his eyes until he gave in “What exactly do you want me to say, Howon?”  
  
“If you’re going to give us a chance or not”  
  
He babbled a few incoherent syllables while his round cheeks began coloring again. I couldn’t help to smile at the sight, and I couldn’t stop myself from pulling him close again, our faces close and our noses brushing. I heard him taking air abruptly and felt him tense up, so I took his hand and pressed in against my chest.  
  
“What are you doing?”  
  
“Trying to make you see how badly I want this”  
  
It didn’t take him long to understand, as my heart was beating madly and way too loud, my hands clammy and a little shaky. He looked up at me, his eyes urgently digging into mine for answers I hoped he could find, every little twitch in his face signaled a new retort into his rapid fire debating with himself. I knew there was a carnage in his head right now, a big, pretty mess of thoughts bumping and clashing around, everything I had said and done, everything he had seen or heard, every little piece of information piling up at each side of his mind, the “want” and the “should”. I fervently hoped that, against what usually happened, his want would win this one.  
  
“Sunggyu!” the manager’s voice echoed from outside.  
  
He didn’t seem to notice, but his calculating expression progressively scrunched into a determined frown, the face he pulled when he decided something by metaphorically flipping the table in his mind and finishing his musings in a ‘fuck all this, I’ll deal with the consequences’ kind of way.  
  
I wasn’t sure if it was good for me or not, but the manager’s stomping was nearing and I wasn’t going to leave without an answer, any kind of answer. So I pulled at his hands and leaned in, a hot wave of insecurity pulling at my muscles while an urgent push of impatience moved my head forward. I saw his eyes widen ever so slightly in the millisecond it took me to reach his face, and felt his whole being tense up. My hands shot up to grab him by the face, trembling fingers pulling him closer, and I clumsily kissed him.

A wave of panic and second thoughts assaulted my clogged mind half a second into the hasty kiss, as I didn’t feel him react or kiss back, but my brain was overloaded with nervousness and the actual feel of his warm and chapped lips against mine to consider doing anything but pressing harder.  
  
I jumped away just before the door shot open, the manager peeking in and hurrying us to leave. I don’t even know what he said, I was completely dizzy and accelerated but Sunggyu answered calmly and the manager left. I couldn’t understand what it all meant, if he was unimpressed, angry, happy… His face was almost blank when he turned back, the scowl gone and replaced by a somewhat stunned look. I occupied myself with filling my lungs again before attempting to say something, anything, but he beat me to it. He reached for my hand, barely holding onto my index finger and swallowed.  
  
“Ok” he mumbled, his stare full with a warning that paled under the layer of vulnerability that accompanied it.  
  
I could only nod to him before he turned around and left to the van and I had to hurry after him so they wouldn’t leave me behind.   
  


 


	6. Sunggyu's trust

**[Part 8 (Sunggyu)]**

  
  
  
I don’t know what had come over me to agree back then, but I surely regretted it immediately after. I couldn’t look at him.  
  
I sat in the front seat of the van and put on my earplugs, glasses and hood the moment I closed the door, determined to ignore him as much as I could. It’s not that I was angry at him or anything, of course not, I was just freaking out, overly self-conscious and unsure... And scared, why not?  
  
For the following days I acted like a royal idiot around him, avoiding looking at him directly, even speaking to him if I could, running away when I was left alone with him, always trying to have any of the guys there to distract me, constantly watching him in fear he’d say something, anything to anyone that might spark a minimal hint about… well, this thing we were… pulling off. But, predictably, he didn’t like my smooth management of the situation and started following me around, waiting for me to be left alone and actively attempting to shoo the rest of the group away so he could confront me alone.  
  
Like he was doing at the moment.  
  
“So…” he trailed of, dropping himself on the couch beside me and picking up the remote to lazily jump through the channels without paying attention “How have you been?”  
  
It was funny the frequency he was saying that lately, I don’t even know why. Was I that hard to approach?  
  
 _Are you kidding? You’ve been making yourself as hard to approach as you could…_  
  
Yes, ok, maybe I was, but it still sounded weird for him to poke around like we were strangers. I knew it was partially my fault for avoid him so fervently, but what else could I do? I had a big situation to deal with and I didn’t even know where to start, I didn’t even know if I really wanted to go through with it at all… Well, yeah, I did, of course I’d love to jump into the boat of unique chances and sail into a bright and tempting happily ever after. Now that the overwhelming fear of immediate rejection and hate was pushed aside, my approach on the matter was a bit more optimist… But I still had my reservations, lots of them.  
  
A warm hand fell on my leg.  
  
“Hyung?”  
  
I stiffened for a millisecond before regaining my control and trying to act as if nothing… Until I remembered I didn’t really have to anymore and swatted his hand away.  
  
“What?” I mumbled.  
  
“No need to be so grumpy” he complained.  
  
“You finally managed to corner me once again, I suppose there’s something you want to talk about” I said as I slumped further into the couch.  
  
“I’m not cornering you”  
  
I only hummed in answer, because he was partially right. He wasn’t pushing me against a wall like the other times, but he did manage to get the guys out to do some shopping, he himself backtracking on his way out and returning home on his own.  
  
 _Sneaky bastard…_  
  
I thought with more affection that annoyance. I waited for him to say something, to snap at me, to accuse me of cowardice, to be mad… But was only surprised when I felt his fingers softly brushing mine, a shy gesture, asking for permission as if the contact would break me. I didn’t know what to answer though, but I felt a bit at fault, so I pushed the back of my hand lightly against his dubious fingers in a brief brush, a caress of the sorts, heavy and long enough to avoid it seem like a rejection. He didn’t seem to get the message too clearly though.  
  
“Are you regretting what you said?” he asked ever so calmly.  
  
I opened my mouth with easy confidence, but closed it right after. Did I? Truth be told, my agreement had been nothing but a quick, desperate excuse to run away. I couldn’t say no back then, I still couldn’t, as skeptical and forcibly pessimist as I was being, I couldn’t find it in me to reject him. His sudden approach had made my brain halt completely, it had made a sluggish knot with my thoughts and all my considerations about all the situation had made a mess in my head before falling ungraciously at my feet, way out of my reach. So I really don’t know what I was thinking or intending when I said “ok”, I was urging to run away from him and from my incoming flip out. But it had been an honest reply too, honest as in something that came from my simple wish to accept him and have all running smooth and clean, a simple wish blurted out from a mind that had been momentarily stripped of precautions and reasoning. It was just what I wanted.  
  
A warm hand sliding up my jaw and turning my head to the side brought me back to the problem at hand. Howon was staring at me intently, way closer than where I had left him, his expression inquiring and serious, but still gentle. How I wanted to punch him in the face right then and there, he was messing with my head so much, my poor brain didn’t know what to do about him anymore, it urged me to pull away and to lean in at the same time.  
  
“Hyung…” he called in an exasperated tone.  
  
I tried to pull his hand away, but my own hand got stuck in his, my fingers pressing softly and my head leaning into his touch.  
  
 _We’re about to screw this, aren’t we?_  
  
I was certainly tired of dealing with it, so very tired, I could feel my very muscles pulling and pushing, back and forth, my eyes closed to avoid look into those dark, hard ones in front of me, but it let me way more focused on his warm touch as my brain went haywire in a new internal battle.  
  
“I know what you’re doing” his voice, low and breathy told me “Stop it”  
  
“I can’t” I pushed between my clenched teeth, still unable to open my eyes or pull away from him.  
  
“Well…”  
  
I heard him move, the couch sinking a little to my side. By the time my brain understood what his breath was doing so close to my face, I was already feeling the tentative brush of his lips against mine.

 

 _Oh, not again…_  
  
I jerked my head back, trying to avoid him clogging my mind again, but his hand held me from the back of my head and pushed me against him. His lips were no longer asking for permission, they smashed against my mouth, moving slightly to pass from simple contact to a proper kiss, but I still felt it, the hesitation, the doubt, the jerky pull in all of him that said enough for me to catch his faltering. And it made so very mad.  
  
 _You want to give this a try? All right then…_  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
 **[Part 9 (Howon)]**  
  
  
You’d think he’d give in, he’d finally accept it and maybe kiss me back, a first, soft, shy kiss to give the first step into this new… whatever thing we were doing. I was ready to be insistent, to pull him softly closer to me, to coax him into a first attempt at some innocent intimacy without being too harsh, avoiding throwing myself onto him and scare him away…  
  
Boy, I was wrong.  
  
He didn’t need any coaxing, no soft guiding, no reassuring. There was no soft molding of lips or shy hands holding my face. Not at all, he was actually quite aggressive. He suddenly pushed against me, his hands flying to pull at my neck with almost unnecessary force, his breathing hitting my face and his lips smashing against mine with almost bruising force. And it only escalated from there.  
  
I tried to keep up with him once the shock was over, I moved my lips against his with the same urgency, my hands going to his face to hold him close, my legs firmly pushing me towards him and not away. It felt his teeth a few times, aggressive and unforgiving until I opened my mouth, and then it all became a messy attempt on my part not to _freak out_.  
  
I started to lose against his push, my back meeting the back of the couch and sinking slowly, my hands were clammy and shaky, my mouth clumsy and absolutely void of control under his hungry mouth and invasive tongue. And he wouldn’t relent, I felt he was overpowering me inch by inch, pushing and pulling and gripping and biting, and my mind started folding back, questioning my real capability to cope with this, with him, to accept this aggressive display of control and the possibility of this being replicated in others aspects of a hypothetical relationship, that including the still unsettling _intimate_ side of it.  
  
 _Don’t falter now, you knew this would happen, he’s not a girl Howon!_  
  
Of course he wasn’t, he wasn’t a delicate girl, he wasn’t the shy, soft curvy woman I had always pictured myself with. For starters _he_ wasn’t a _she_ , he was a tall, wide and firm guy, his hands big and controlling, his weight demanding and his arms strong, he was rather aggressive and rough and definitely liked to bite. Maybe this was a new side to him I was discovering, but not all that unexpected. My foolish mind may have nursed the idea of a shy, delicate acting Sunggyu but I had known all along that it was a delusional thought. He might have his cute moments, some displays of shyness and awkwardness, some slips of childishness and even some sparks of fragility, but he was still a man, the leading figure to six other men at that, and he certainly acted like one. I knew that and I had accepted that from the very beginning.  
  
With this new resolution in my head, I let my arms wrap around him and pull him impossibly close to me, trapping myself against the couch, and kissed back with renewed need, finally letting myself enjoy the heavy push of his warm body and the invading heat of his lips and tongue against and _in_ my mouth. But, to my surprise, that’s when he stalled, his body softening in my hold and his mouth settling into a tight yet clam hold before letting go.  
  
I opened my eyes to find his own sharp ones looking at me, his expression was a mixture of something like anger and sadness, his eyebrows twitching between a scowl and a pained frown. But he still leaned in to kiss me again, his hands going up to cradle my face with both gentleness and demand. I felt my chest swell in warmth and pain at the same time, I felt his eyes burning into mine with a feeling I had never seen before, not in him and not in anyone else that I could remember. Even with our lips pressed together, he kept looking at me, and so did I. At such proximity, not only we were surely squinting, but I could see the shake of his glance, the bright glistening of the dark irises.  
  
His eyelids fluttered closed for an instant, then opened again, and he looked at me with a pressing question, borderline plead that I couldn’t deny. As he kept dropping his lips onto mine, slowly descending from the aggressive, almost oppressing making out, to soft, shaky pecks, I could not ignore the heavy emotions that every touch transmitted to me. I could almost feel all the hours, days, months and who knows how much more he spent wanting to do this, wanting to be able to act on his feelings, and just wanting me. I finally felt the dense reality of his yearning and caring, all the affection and need packed into the buzzing minutes that passed between my kissing him and this long, warm exchange.  
  
When he finally pulled back, I was having trouble keeping my breathing stable. I said nothing as he moved back, ending all contact with me and sighing long and slow as he let his head hang low. I watched him for no more than half a minute, before I found myself nearing him again. I held his hand with both of mine and squeezed to bring his attention to me. He looked up, and I saw regret in him, to what I shook my head, gripping his hand tighter and then smiled in what I hoped was a reassuring way.  
  
“I… I get it” I breathed out.  
  
He looked at me confused for a fraction of second and lowered his eyes right after. He opened his mouth to speak, but said nothing and closed it again. It took him two more attempts before he spoke.  
  
“What is it that you get?” he asked in a low, monotone voice, still not looking at me.  
  
“That you’re serious about this, dead serious” he looked up, piercing expectation meeting my determination, “And… That you don’t want me running away with my tail between my legs once I understand what it really implies to be in a relationship with a man” I went on, watching as his look moved between different emotions “And that you won’t forgive me if I do” his eyebrows flinched a little in a ‘ _you bet I won’t_ ’ scowl and then relaxed again “And that you don’t want me to think of you as a girl” he raised an eyebrow in question, a spark of confusion and amusement flashing through “And that it won’t mean you being indulgent with me, and that you’ll still nag at me like any of us, and that you’ll still get mad when I keep messing with you in public, and you’ll still be sore when I keep pointing out your mess ups whe-“ a swift slap met the back of my head, “Hey!” I looked up affronted, but the little smile that welcomed me had me halt in my tracks.  
  
“Shut up” he mumbled, his hand patting my hair back into place gently, then sliding to my cheek and patting it affectionately “What am I going to do with you?”  
  
“Trusting me?” I offered, placing my hand over his and pressing it to my face.  
  
He looked deeply into my eyes and something tugged at the corner of his lips.  
  
“I guess I should try” he agreed, his thumb brushing against my cheekbone in a feathery caress.  
  
I let a huge grin break into my face and leaned in again, this time dropping a soft kiss to his nose.  
  
“Yeah” I said, relishing in the way a huge, honest smile slowly bloomed from his lips before he nuzzled his nose against mine “You should”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, the end. I hope you liked it! ;)


End file.
